if i believe you | negan

chapter xxiii.

NEGAN'S MEN were running up and down the halls, preparing for the war Rick had started. I hadn't a doubt in my mind that the Saviors would win, but I was still worried about Negan. Rick was ruthless; I had seen him grace the brink of insanity when it came to saving those he cared about.

I wanted to go out and help, but Negan gave strict orders that I was not to leave our bedroom and that my job, for the time being, was to be a mother. Our son was only a week old, as I had been tallying the days since his birth.

I watched out the window as the Saviors loaded their guns and geared up for the battle while Negan barked out orders to make sure the compound was on lockdown. With all the commotion in the halls, Liam began to fuss in my arms so I carefully rocked him to sleep, quietly singing a song my father used to sing to me.

"I didn't know you could sing, darling." Negan's voice came from the doorway and I jumped slightly. I grinned and looked down at Liam, feeling a bit embarrassed.

"I'm a little rusty. I haven't sung since my daughter." I told him, tears pooling in my eyes. He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, kissing the side of my head.

"What was her name? I don't think I've ever heard you say it."

I closed my eyes and imagined I was holding her again, lulling her to sleep with a song in her nursery. I smiled at the memory. "Maddie, her name was Maddie."

I turned to face Negan and I put Liam into his arms. "y/n, I have to go." He told me and I nodded my head.

"I know, but just hold him before you go. I'm going to grab some food, I'm starving." I told him, leaving the room before he could resist. I wanted Negan to connect with Liam like a father was supposed to, especially if it could be the last time.

I made my way to the mess hall and picked out some food as quickly as I could because I knew Negan had to get going if the plan was going to succeed. I walked back into our room and Negan was on the couch with Liam, cooing down at him.

I sat down next to Negan on the couch and rested my head on his shoulder, finally realizing just how tired I was. Liam had me up at all hours of the night, but he was better than Maddie was.

Negan handed Liam over to me before standing and I cradled him in my arms. "I wish you didn't have to go," I told him. Negan pulled on his leather jacket and straightened the sleeves before meeting my eyes.

"Me too, sweetheart." He whispered, kissing both Liam and me on the forehead before leaving. I watched out the window as the numerous trucks left the compound, their tail lights still visible from a mile away in the darkness.

I fed and burped Liam before putting him into bed and getting ready for bed as well. With less commotion going on in the Sanctuary, maybe it was possible for me to get some more sleep.

But even without the commotion and with Liam sound asleep, I couldn't keep my eyes closed for longer than twenty minutes. Negan being away, fighting this war, took more of a toll on me than I thought. I was too worried about him and what could happen to sleep.

I threw the sheets off of me and stood in front of the bookshelf, skimming every shelf until I found something that seemed interesting. I pulled out one of the thicker books and sat on the couch to start reading, hoping the book would either put me to sleep or make the night seem to only last a few hours.