Abused And Used

"Let me go!" I shout at him, HIM meaning as my boyfriend Josh, this has been going on for months now, it needs to stop. I love him with all my heart and soul, if he just stops hitting me, or abuse me, and then everything will be alright, wouldn't it? It all started when his Mom died from cancer, he has been so stressed out lately from school and with his Mom passing and all, and I guess he has the right to take it out on me, or maybe he doesn't. I tell him again for the fifth time to let me go, but he doesn't. His grip on me is much tighter than anything this time; I can feel the bruises forming on my skin. Tears stream down my face, "You're hurting me" I said painfully. "YOU ARE THE ONE THAT DID THIS!" he screamed in my face, I looked into his blue eyes and I fall for him even more when I look into them, I know I shouldn't fall in love with him even more when he clearly has been abusing me, but no matter what, I probably will still love him. "I-I..was just..."  I couldn't finish, because I knew I shouldn't have talked to Matt in the first place, Matt as in my best guy friend, I confessed everything to him, showed him all of the scars and bruises Josh has left me, I was trying to hide the pain away from him, but he knew once he looked into my blue eyes that I was in pain, not only physically but emotionally. I fell in love with Matt when we were in middle school, we came best friends ever since then, I never know what he feels about me, all I know is, I hope he feels the same way about me as I do about him. "What?! You told Matt about THIS!" "I..." I wanted to run, to leave for forever and never come back, I just want to leave to see who would come running after me, to see if anyone actually ever cared enough for me to stay. He slapped me across the face, I put my hand to my face and I could feel the pain forming after he hit me. I can't take this anymore, I still love him, but if he keeps doing this, I'm going to have to slowly slip away from him. We have been going out for a year now, we are in high school and I'm 18 and Josh is 19. Everyone at school thinks we are a "perfect" couple, but if they see us alone, then they would think twice about what they say. I started crying, crying so hard I didn't care what he would think. He soon realized what he did to me, "Baby, I'm sorry" he said concerning. But I knew deep down in his heartless heart that he was right now, wasn't. He needs to fight this demon, make the demon go away, for us, and for me. 

I'm now laying on the floor in my bedroom, curled up into my little ball I do when I cry my heart out, I've been doing this a lot lately, especially when I'm alone. I don't say anything to him, I know what he will do, he will keep saying sorry and he will promise me that he will never hurt me again. He always does this after he abuses me, always. But he never keeps that promise; it always winds up broken anyway. I, at least keep promises. Sometimes. "I'm so so sorry, please forgive me, I just got upset, because you told Matt, and you know how I am when I find out that you are hanging out with guys" of course I know how you are, Josh. A big a**hole. A major a**hole. Every time he sees me talking to a guy, he will blow his head off at me. He will start to cuss me out, one time he abused me in the empty hallway, I was late to English class, REALLY late, because I was in the bathroom busy covering up the bruises he gave me, that night when I got home, he was in my bedroom waiting for me, of course we had to have sex. Did I want to? No. Not after what he did to me, but I still love him, I know it's crazy. "It doesn't matter Josh...you still hurt ME. ME! And Matt is my best friend...a real good one at that, at least he doesn't hit me or anything like you do!" I snapped at him, I knew I shouldn't have done that, but I'm just so broken right now, I don't know what to think. I could feel his anger rising even more, I said something to where it made him tick, and I definitely knew I need to get out of there. I got up quickly but I wasn't fast enough, he grabbed me so hard and he pushed me against the wall, my back is already bruising. Why can't he just stop? I fell to the ground, and at that moment I knew I was a goner. He kicked me in my stomach five times without stopping; blood came running out of my mouth. I slowly crawled away from him, I got up weakly with the strength I had left in me and got away from him, I didn't know how, but I did. Next stop, to see Matt.