Hank and Jess had something in their marriage most couples cannot claim, an unbelievable connection and fierce love for each other. While on a mission trip to Haiti, Jess is murdered. The shock of loss overwhelms Hank and his journey to reconcile he...
"Honey would be great, thanks. The quilt is looking amazing, Martha!" I had visited several times with Martha and Ted over the past few months. We had become very close. We had let each other into our pain. I had told them things I had told no one else about how I was feeling and they have done the same with me.
Writing that forgiveness letter had been powerful for me. I felt like a lot more went with that letter in the mail than just my words. I felt a burden lifted off of me that day. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean I was not still struggling. Many nights I couldn't sleep and tears came frequently and at unexpected times. Things would remind me of Jess. A certain cereal at the grocery store that she liked or a song that she would dance too. I recently balled in a restaurant because the waiter told me they had a special on a salad she loved. My perspective was better. I saw hope for the future. I was determined to live fully in honor of Jess and my baby.
"Thanks, Hank. I had beautiful material to choose from. Jess was very stylish! I should be done with it by next week." Somewhere in our conversations over the last month, I had found out Martha loved to knit. I had wanted something to have in memory of Jess that I could keep on display. Mom and I had begun the process of giving her stuff away to the needy. I wasn't willing to sell it because it would cheapen her memory. Jess would have wanted those less fortunate to have it anyway. Giving her stuff away was hard. I added it to the incredibly difficult things I have had to do over the last 7 months. I had asked Martha if she would consider taking clothes of Jess and making a quilt with it. She had loved the idea. It had become her passion over the last couple of months to make this quilt.
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"The middle square is a nice touch. The blue and pink mix well there and the rattler turned out perfectly." When Martha had asked me if it were ok to honor my unborn child by placing a square on the quilt, I quickly agreed. I touched the rattler, feeling the raised threads. It had bothered me that I didn't have a face and name for our baby. For the thousandth time I wondered if it would have been a boy or girl.
"Martha, how was your visit? You haven't mentioned." I could usually tell when Martha had visited Eric. It was like she had been beat up. She was wearing her disappointment on her face today.
"Hank, he is so angry at the world. He thinks everyone is out to get him. He doesn't even trust our love for him. He thinks we took him in out of guilt. He never was a happy child but I always thought he believed we loved him." Martha had asked Eric if he received my letter, and all he said was "Yeah, I got it." He wouldn't say anything else about it to them. That was fine. I truly had released it with no expectation. Would I like to hear from him? I think I would but it was no longer necessary.
"I am so sorry, Martha. I know that has been so hard for you and Ted. You keep reaching out to him. I am praying for you and for him. You never told me what happened to his parents."
Martha reached over and put her hand on my knee. "It is so hard for me to talk about that, hank. Sometime soon, ok? I like Ted to be in that conversation when he is awake to join in."
