Another Pair Of Eyes: Love is Not Blind

CHAPTER 26

August 15, 2019

It had been a few weeks since my confrontation with Em and Martha about the lie. I would like to say I felt at peace about how it all went down, feeling I was justified in my anger, but I really felt  miserable. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had lost two people I cared about.

Em was on my mind often and I hadn't talked to Martha since, even though she had reached out several times. My misery was not enough to push me into action, as I was stubbornly holding on to my justification in being harsh with them. They lied to me about something very sensitive to me. I wanted to be angry because it had really hurt me.

I had lunch with Dean and Jackie after church yesterday, and they made sure to let me know their thoughts about it--- "I was acting like a pigheaded child", I think were Jackie's exact words. Dean had totally agreed with his wife on this point. I told them they just couldn't understand what I was feeling.

This morning, I sat back in my office chair and stared out the window feeling sorry for myself. I was glad to be able to do this in my office finally. It had only been this past week that the church had been completed. The fire had damaged a large portion of the east wing and our offices had to be completely redone. We had been using trailers as temporary office space. Church had settled down since the rumors of me being an alcoholic! The church didn't seem to hold it against me any more that the guy who tried to burn our church to the ground had been provoked to anger by me.

I was finally back in a groove at work, pouring myself into my task. II still thought about Jess often. I had made it a habit of bringing one of her journals to work. All of her entries would move me in different ways, but this one particular had inspired me over the past few weeks:

March 3, 2018

After our women's retreat, I feel so challenged about my purpose! Life has to be more than just about us. I came to realize that when we live selfishly, life becomes a viscious cycle of discontentment. We seek happiness; we find a poor substitute; it gets old to us quickly, so we start looking for happiness again in something else and the pattern starts all over. Self-centeredness leads me to unhappiness. I want to live for something greater than myself, something that fulfills an eternal purpose. I want to pour into something that transforms lives. Life is too short to just live for stuff. I want to find a cause bigger than me and then give my life to it. One day that would be pouring myself into being a mother but even then, I did not want to lose sight of doing things of kingdom value.

After hearing Angie tonight, I feel confirmed in my calling  to help victims of abuse. Angie courageously gave her testimony and told us that for most of her life, she felt great shame over being raped and had not been able to talk about it to anyone. I wanted to be part of the solution to educate the church to be a place where victims could find hope. She had felt so alone, even among other believers.  I wanted to help victims of abuse realize that life did not end with their rape, and that there is still hope. They have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. Being a victim does not have to define them.

I plan on talking with Hank to see what we can do about starting a ministry for them. I will even be willing to head it up. I don't want to ask others to commit if I am not willing to commit myself. My guess is there are so many women out there who have been abused that we don't know about. I pray God will use this to give them the courage to come forward and receive support.

I put the journal down and stared back out the window. Jess had not known that less than six months after she wrote these words, she would be a victim of abuse. I didn't know how, but I would ensure that her dream of a ministry for abuse women would come to fruition.

I missed her so much. I could picture her, even now, talking pasionately about this to me. She loved to talk with her hands and when she was really excited, she would even slightly jump off the ground. I would do anything to have her bouncing around in here right now, sharing her passion with me.