Another Pair Of Eyes: Love is Not Blind

CHAPTER 3

SEPTEMBER 15 2018

It was 17 days after Jess' death, I discovered her entry about her encounter with Eric on prom night. I found it in her journal. I had known she kept a journal over the years but I had never read them. I figured she needed a place to put her thoughts without me snooping. Jess was faithful at journaling. She didn't go to bed without posting in her striped journal. She always had to have stripes on the journal. She was OCD about it. I asked her about it once and she told me stripes were like her life, some moments were great and some were hard. She always was a deep thinker.

Since her death I had not thought about reading her journal entries but I found the new journal I had bought her and was going to give her for Christmas. It reminded me of her journals and I became curious as to what I could discover. To read or not to read, that was my question. If these thoughts were private before death shouldn't they remain private after? I didn't really fear finding anything that would change my perception of Jess. But she wasn't here to give clarity or insight to the gaps in thought the entries might raise. In the end it was just to tempting for me. Jess would be fine with it, I knew.

Once I began, I was captivated. I read for hours. Jess was a very good writer, with lots of detail and openness, her entries were as vulnerable in writing as she was in person. I heard her saying the words as much as I read them now. Jess jumped off these pages.

Several interesting entries struck me. One that hit me was I didn't realize how badly she wanted to be a mother. Of course we had talked about it but I guess because I didn't show much interest in starting a family yet she held back her strong feelings about it. That made me sad that I had tempered her excitement. She didn't hold back in her journal:

Dated 06/04/17- I dream about holding my baby boy or girl in my arms for the first time. To be a mother is my greatest ambition right now. Hank doesn't have the baby fever yet but he will come around. He will make a great daddy. He thinks he is awkward around kids but he lights up around them more than he knows. I envy those mothers I see pushing their babies down our street. I so desperately want to join them soon. I don't have a baby name picked out yet but I really like Jameson, Bentley, or Preston for a boy and Aspyn, Channing, and Piper for a girl. Hank had mentioned Jack or Jill. Obviously, I would have to be in charge of choosing the name!

Tears streamed down my face, threatening to ruin the ink on the page. Oh Jess, you would have been an incredible mom.I wondered if our child would have Jess' perfect nose and big brown eyes or my crooked smile. I would have hoped he or she had Jess' larger than life personality. These thoughts overwhelmed me.

I put the journal down and whimpered my prayer:

Lord, I cannot carry this grief. How am I supposed to handle this? What joy is in life without her? Its like all the color has been removed and everything has become gray and dull. Lord, give me strength to breathe the next breath. I am not sure I can do it on my own. God, why did you let her leave me? I need her so desperately. I know your grace is sufficient but I am having a hard time holding on to it right now Lord.

I just lay there for a minute allowing the tears to flow. My body ached from grief. I wanted to stop reading her journal due to the pain it caused but I needed to be close to her in whatever way was left to me no matter the agony. I decided to push on:

Dated 11/02/14- Jess Emerson... I couldn't believe it was finally going to be real. I mean who has a super crush on a boy in the sixth grade and eventually marries them? I am living a fairy tale. Hank is so wonderful to me. He is a true gentleman and I can tell he adores me despite my quirkiness. I cannot wait to be a pastor's wife! I knew it wouldn't be easy but Hank and I were a team and would be doing this together. Helping Hank in ministry would be our strongest bond. I love to hear him preach. It brings a smile to my face every time to know that man was mine. He had a joy in the pulpit that never came out anywhere else. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man. Lord, you are so good to me!