broken

misjudge

school.

or in a much simpler word, with less letters, Hell. it was basically what it was. as i walked down the hallways of the building, i can feel people's stares at me burning through me like fire on the walls of hell.

they weren't the stares of admiration-- Ha! You wish.--it was the kind of stares that spelled "go die." 

what people don't understand though, that there's a really big difference between being suicidal and self depressed. at least for me, i don't want to completely die.

dying won't do me any good.

oh, don't come and tell me now that neither the self harm would do any good. you're wrong.

when cutting, you feel great. if you're ugly, you feel like punishing your body for being fat. if you feel bad, it just takes the pain away.

to sum that all, all i need at the moment is a razor blade.

so, after my last class of the day ended, i grabbed my bag from the feet of my desk and practically ran towards the door and out of the exit. this was one of the rare moments where i thanked my parents that they brought a house near my local school and made it easy for me to walk the distance.

it was also one of the rare days where the sky was clear of dark clouds and that the birds were chirping as they flew above me, from tree to tree. but that didn't matter. none of that changed my urge to grab the cold metal blade and cut through my skin.

once home, i ran to my room. i was thankful that my parents were busy lawyers. though, i doubt it would really matter if they were home or not.

i went to the bathroom and opened the medicine cupboard, where my collection of blades were. when i tried to grab one of them, two or three fell to the floor but i didn't care. i just needed to be calmed down for a second.

i held the blade to my skin. so close that i can feel it's coldness over my skin, even though they hadn't made contact yet. i was ready to slide it across my skin when something stopped me. my phone was ringing.

i was going to ignore it and give my self the satisification of pain as i lifted my right hand that was holding the blade up the slightest to make it easier for me to slide the darned thing.

but before i could even do anything, i thought about something in a second. 

what if the person who was calling me was Isaac?

i mean, who else would call me? it was either an emergency or Isaac. either way, i should pick up.

and with such thought, i let the blade fall to the ground and i grabbed my phone from my front pocked. the screen blinked the word 'Isaac x'.

forgetting about the mess i made, i got out of the bathroom and answered the call, making the phone to finally shut up. i put the phone to my ear.

"hey" Isaac's sweet voice said from the other line. just hearing his voice is making me blush. i'm too antisocial.

"hi"  where was all this shyness coming from?

"how have you been?"

"i've been better" i answered him honestly.

"did anything happen?"  oh! do you mean to ask if i cut?

"no, i didn't cut if that was what you meant by your question"

there was silence for a while that i thought he hung up. but then he spoke.

"that wasn't what i meant"  oh isn't it?

"you don't have to lie, i know it is"

"no, i'm serious, Abigail. i did mean something else. did anything happen that your day is so bad?"

it was really bad to misjudge him. and to make it worse, i kept on insisting so. and now i feel bad.

"i'm sorry i misjudged you... it's just that--" he cut off my apology.

"i understand"

"no you don't, Isaac. i really am sorry for misjudging you and thinking you are like all the other people and--"

"Abby, i really understand. you are just used to people asking you stuff like that, i understand" i can hear the sad smile when he said these words. "so, did anything happen?"

"no" i told him. i wasn't sure if i was considered lying. but i don't think i am because nothing precisely happened in school.

"are you sure?"

"uh-huh" for some reason, i nodded even though he can't see me.

"well, good" i felt a smile on his face. a real one right now. and i found myself grinning on my own. but then i frowned. i almost did it.

i felt ashamed of myself. not for the fact that i almost did it, but for the fact that i almost broke my promise to Isaac. i don't know why i care so much about him. but, i decided to tell him.

"i almost did it" i blurted out before i can stop myself.

"you almost did what?" from tge tone of his voice, i could tell he's beginning to get worried.

"i-i..." i stuttered on that one letter, as if all the years of speaking and learning the language vanished and left me with the letter "i".

"Abby..." Isaac pushed.

"i almost hurt myself" i said in an almost whisper. i wasn't sure if he heard me. his next reply came seconds after, like he was calculating the words i have saud in his mind abd ge was searching his brain for the right words to say. and the words he said, were the least expected words to come out of his mouth.

"i'm coming over"

∆

a couple of days ago, my friend told me that i really don't know anything about self harm. she didn't read the book but she said so knowing that I never cut. and I cannot really disagree.

so here's the question: is the things i say in the story is true? you can either comment or PM me if you wouldn't like people reading your comment.

and sorry for the ultra late update. I was really busy with useless shit. I hate useless shit.

please vote and comment and tell me what you think!!

500+ reads!? I'm mind blown.

stay beautiful x