Secret Love Song: Memories (Zach Herron) ✔ [Completed]

5; if you want love

If You Want Love - NF 
Zach: 

It's been a week. One whole week of this odd feeling in my stomach. Feeling like I'm not doing what I'm doing for Nerah's happiness but for my own. And it sounds selfish and I hate it. It's all I can think about. And I try to forget about it but it's the first thing that I think about when I wake up and it eats at me while I sleep.

And Nerah all she does is smile and be happy and it hurts to think that I'm not. I sighed and looked down at Nerah who was sleeping soundly in my arms. I sighed and kissed her forehead.

I shook her arm a bit and she hummed.

"I'm gonna go," I whispered softly.

"Okay..."

"I love you." I felt guilty for saying that.

"I love you too." The guilt just kept getting worse and worse.

I felt my heart break as I got off the bed. I quickly covered her body with the blanket before kissing her forehead and walking toward her window. I sighed and looked back at her before leaving. I got into my car and sat there for a second trying to understand my feelings.

...

I sat on the sand and stared out at the ocean. Nerah's all I've ever wanted. Why is that all of a sudden my feelings are confused? I fought for her, I risked myself for her, and I almost died for her. I looked down at the scar that trailed along my arm.

"Hey." I turned to see Jonah and Brandon approaching me. My best friends of all time.

"How'd you guys know I was here?" I asked with a smile.

"I felt it," Brandon said with a smile.

"What's wrong dude?" Jonah asked. "And don't say nothing because I know you."

I sighed and looked down at the sand. My fingers trailing along it.

"Have you ever been so in love with someone and all you want is the best for them and you feel like you're not what's best for them. And then you feel like you're not making them happy because you want them to be happy but you only want them to stay so that you feel loved?" They both looked at me. "Like you're so in love with this person but you feel like you need a break."

"Do you want a break from Nerah?" Jonah asked. I looked up at the both of them and they both had concerned looks on their faces.

"I don't know," I said softly. 

"Then what do you want?" Brandon asked.

"I want both of us to be happy whether it's with each other or... or without each other." I felt my heart tear in half.

"But aren't you guys already happy together?" I looked down at my fingers and felt a tear slip from my eye. "Are you happy with Nerah?"

I looked up at them. "I'm not happy with myself."

"Not happy with yourself?" Jonah asked. I shook my head.

"I think I need a break from our relationship to figure out who I am. They say you can't love someone if you don't love yourself," I cried softly. "And Nerah loved me when she didn't love herself and she almost died."

"Well, you're not Nerah."

"I know that," I said softly. "But I know myself and my feelings. And my feelings are telling me that I need space. I need to understand myself first before I hurt her."

"You won't hurt her."

"I already did."

"What?" They both looked at me. "You couldn't have possibly done anything to hurt Nerah that bad-"