Depressed...

Chapter 6: Anymore

Trigger Warnings: Angst, Self-harm, Homophobic Slurs, Attempt at suicide, Profanity, etc.

~~~~~~~~~~Cole's P.O.V.~~~~~~~~~~

 I walked home alone hoping that Tyler was no there, I honestly did not want to deal with him today; or anytime soon. My ten-minute walk felt way longer because I was dreading seeing the disappointment on my mother's and father's faces for leaving without notice. I also am scared Tyler, Midnight, or Melody would be there as well. I keep imagining them over and over again screaming in my head "I HATE YOU" "DISGRACE" "WORTHLESS" "HOMO" over and over again. I mean I am pansexual and people make fun of me for it all of the time. I remember when I was younger I had a crush on my family friend, and I hated it. He tells me all of the time "Wow why do I even bother being your friend you raging homosexual idiot. Why are you such a slut?!" I feel tears well up in my eyes every time I have a flashback about that day; right now is no different.

I reach the door to my house minutes later and turn the knob shaking. Pushing my weight on the door I walk in and see my mother and Tyler on the couch. The color drains from my face when Tyler turns and stares at me. I feel my heart race faster from his stare, mainly because I am worried about what he is going to say to me. I panic internally and start to fidget with my hands, looking down. I hear Tyler finally speak "Cole, Where have you been?! I saw you walk in and then you are not here when I knock a minute later?! What gives dude?!" I make the mistake and glance up to see his hash stare, his cold dead eyes piercing into my soul. I start to hyperventilate slightly and I shuffle back a little bit when he voices "Answer me now Cole! Where the hell were you?!"

"When have you cared, Why does it matter?" I asked, somewhat irritated. I felt anger bubbling in my stomach as he looked at me with shock etched on his face that swiftly morphed into anger, and protectiveness.

"YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED COLE!" Tyler cried out, venom weaved into his words. I knew it, he's mad and it is all my fault. I mumbled something that no one understood and so this is what I get to hear "What did you just say to me?!"

"I asked when have either one of you cared!" I snapped harshly. They both got up and walked over to me. I felt someone was about to slap me so I just caught their wrist millimeters away from my cheek. I held the hand still and they tried to pry it from my grasp. I let go harshly and walked away. I left the house slamming the door and ran towards the school. I somehow got into the school and saw someone running after me. I rushed to the staircase and tried to run secretly up to the roof. I needed to get to the roof. Tyler's and Melody's words were echoing in my head, slowly motivating me to get to the roof. My legs burned, I felt dizzy, and I only heard Tyler and Melody yelling in my ears. I finally heard a new voice; Jeremy Rizo. My family friend, and my first crush. His voice rang in my head louder than most "WORTHLESS HOMO, FAG!!" is what rang in my head the loudest.

Tears streamed down my face as this replayed over and over again. I just wanted this to end, to scream and for this to be over. To close my eyes and never wake up. My body went to autopilot and I climbed the stairs with a new found determination to get to the roof and end myself. I heard someone behind me screaming for me to stop. I turned around to see one of the last people I wanted to see right now, My mother. She was begging me to not do this. I yelled at her "Stop trying to ruin my death! JUST GO AWAY!" I went faster and faster. She could not keep up with my speed and I kept going getting faster and higher up. She was pleading for me to stop and rethink. I just tuned her out, which was easy because the false voices yelled louder drowning my mother's voice out.

I made it to the roof, cold air hitting my body faster than a tidal wave when I flung the door open. I ran up to the ledge, looking over the town scanning to make sure I was alone when I did this. I muttered to myself "I can bleed out now.... Time to bring joy to everyone." I grabbed out my pocket knife and sliced at my arm, watching the deep crimson fluid drip out of my arm, cascading and mixing with my tears. I watched this happen and had a manic smile on my face. I heard the door to the roof open and I look up, trying to find out who is going to try and stop me. I see the one and only Jeremy Rizo. His face drained of color when he saw my maniac smile, knife in my hand, and my blood dripping from my arm. I just laughed as he stared at me.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING COLE?!" He shrieked.

I just shrugged and decided to be honest. "Umm duh I am doing what you told me to, I am going to kill myself."

He ran up to me and pulled the knife away from my arm. His light blue eyes met mine and he told me "Please stop.... Why are you doing this?" He asked me trying not to make his voice crack noticeable.

I looked at him and mumbled "I deserve to suffer.... Plus everyone told me to go die. I am done with people lying saying that I deserve happiness." I felt his hands caress my cheeks.

"Cole- Stop lying to yourself... People care about you and you should know this. People actually love you. You are just a blind idiot who does not even notice this."

"Liar.... Get away from me. GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!" I yelled I was done with the lies. This is when the lies end.

I see Jeremy about to cry. I look at him and he looks at me. Our eyes meet again and his tears start to leak out of his eyes and twist and turn gracefully down his cheeks like delicate crystals.

I easily hide my blushing state and keep looking at him, waiting for him to try and stop me. When I think he is finished speaking, I move the knife to my arm and make another slice. He watches in horror as the warm and sticky crimson liquid rise out of the slice mark. He grabbed my wrist and cleaned the wounds with paper towels. He then dragged me to his house to bandage me up with gauze.

"Cole. Why did you do this? Why were you trying to kill yourself?" Jeremy asked in a soft tone, him hoping not to get me more pissed than I was.

"WHY DO YOU THINK I WAS TRYING TO KILL MYSELF?! HUH JEREMY?!" I screamed at him. Tears welled up in my eyes and were threatening to spill everywhere. I was fucking done with Jeremy's bull shit. His eyes widened when I yelled at him, and I saw he was about to cry.

"I-I d-don't k-kn-o-ow... C-Cole I-I n-n-need t-to k-know t-to h-help y-you." Jeremy stumbled through his tears I almost felt bad. Keyword almost. I just stared at him, I have no remorse for him or pretty much anyone right now. I feel so fucked up but so good now. I don't really give two fucks anymore. Anymore.... That word coursed endlessly in my head now. I now know what it is like to be a confident person... now I can ignore people's endless taunting... Some of my fear left... now I am not a baby anymore.