Second Chance :: Nathan Chen

Chapter 13

Cancer by Twenty One Pilots

Quad salchow. 

I land on my blade, body upright, and confident. 

Figure skating is all about consistency. 

Consistency, and your mental game. 

There's no other feeling than the one where every camera is on you, where everyone is waiting for you to feel. You have to be at your peak under that pressure. 

People make it seem that figure skating is an easy sport, but it isn't. 

A lot of skaters are willing to play dirty to get to the top, and you always have to watch out. 

"You can do better," Emily snaps. "Do it again."

So I throw yet another quad salchow, watching Emily stare at my every movement. 

"Again."

The command is short and simple. 

That's also when my body decides it hates me. 

My breath comes in gasps as I execute my crossovers, chest rising and falling rapidly as I try to take oxygen in. 

I reach back exhaustedly, fighting for enough air for a quad salchow. 

I slam against the floor two revolutions in.

Yet I still can't breathe.

Emily skates over to me in an instant, and then all of a sudden I can breathe again. 

My mind stays in partial panic for a few seconds as I begin breathing normally. 

"Kierra?" Emily asks as she stares at me, kneeling on the ice. "Kierra?"

"I'm fine," I state as I stand up weakly. 

Emily shakes her head as she helps me out the gate and onto the bench 

"Focus on my breathing, in, out, in, out," Emily says calmly.

It takes a full 5 minutes for my breathing to begin to feel normal.

But the tightness in my chest still remains, leaving my warry. 

"You need to get that checked out," Emily commands.

"I'm fine," I argue. "I probably just got something stuck in my lungs."

"Look, just get it checked out, see what they think. And if it really is nothing then you can come right back to figure skating," Emily suggests.

"Fine."

"So how long have you had issues with breathing?" My doctor Iris questions.

"Um, since Pyeongchang, so 2 years," I say slightly shocked.

It never hit me how long ago Peyongchang was, and how different we are now. But it also never occurred to me how long I've been having trouble breathing. 

"And has there been any kinds of breathing conditions or issues with the heart or lungs in your family?" Iris asks.

"Um, my brother had heart cancer but other than that no," I reply.

The thought of Paul sends nervous trembles down my spine. Somehow Paul makes me think of Nathan, the boy I wanted to shut out of my life forever. 

"Okay, and you do not smoke and are not exposed to secondhand smoke, correct?" Iris pushes.

"Nope," I say popping the p.

"Have you had any of the following: bone pain, swelling in the arms and neck, lack of feeling in your limbs, dizziness, and headaches?" Iris questions.

"Yes," I whisper nervously.

"And how many and how often?" Iris asks.

"All of them maybe once or twice a day," I reply.

"I have a general diagnosis, but I can't be sure of anything, so I would like to send you in for an x-ray and a ct scan and then I'll call you back later," Iris says standing up and shaking my hand.

"So what did she say?" Emily asks as I skate over to her. 

"She had me take an X-ray and then a ct scan, I'm going back in today," I reply.

"Oh, so it is serious?" Emily questions.

"She never said that," I say quickly.

"Yes but, I mean X-rays and ct scans normally mean bigger things," Emily states.

"I'm pretty sure she just wants to make sure she's correct," I suggest.

"Whatever you say," Emily says. "Now I want to talk about that program."

"I want to choreograph it myself," I state confidence in my voice. 

"Kierra, it's not common for professional skaters to choreograph their own program," Emily informs me. 

"But I'm not a common professional skater," I reply. "I mean it's not like I ever stick to my program anyway, and enabling me to choreograph my own program means that I'm more likely to stick to it rather than make one up."

Emily shakes her head. 

"Kierra, you're not a choreographer. There are a lot of things you don't know yet."

"Emily, I need this opportunity. I love the choreographers that you bring, but they don't know me as I know myself. They always give me a program that I can't connect to, and I need something to connect to. And that's only going to happen if I do it."

"Kierra-"

"Emily, I'm not that young girl you met all those years back. And I'm not the inconsistent teen you saw at the Olympics. I'm older and wiser now, and you have to let me show the world that."

"Fine, you can choreograph the program."

My mind flashes back to the day Paul got his diagnosis. Those were the days where my life started unraveling.

The days I was so hurt, and so desperate for there to be another answer. But there never was another answer, and we have to learn to live with the past. 

"Hello, Kierra thank you so much for coming back in," Iris says as she welcomes me into one of the consultation rooms.

I smile shyly as I take a seat in one of the chairs in her room.

"I just want to know that no matter what we are going to help you get the best kind of treatment possible," Iris says as she opens my file.

"Okay," I murmur nervously.

"You have Bronchioloalveolar Carcinoma," Iris states calmly, attempting to keep her composure. 

"What?" I question suddenly. 

"You have cancer."