Just My Type

A New Chapter

Have you ever felt like a burden? Or even just a bother? Lately, that is how I feel. Maybe it is because it's the start of college and I am still getting in the swing of things, or maybe it is because I actually am a burden. It's probably just all in my head, but just knowing that does not get rid of that nagging feeling in the back of my head. 

I guess the feeling started two days ago. It might have been three days ago, because honestly, college days just seem to run together. Anyway, my roommate, with whom I thought things were going well, confronted me. Now, what she ended up telling me was fine and I totally understood it. She started off with, "I don't mean to hurt your feelings but..." and continued with her thought. Yeah okay, you can say that you don't mean to hurt my feeling, but if you have to start off a conversation like that, then odds are that it is going to hurt. Despite the intentions being good, it still hurt. She was sweet through the whole thing, but it got in my head. I had my typical cry and called my bestfriend (who I miss dearly). I told myself it would be fine; however, since then I've had this constant feeling of...well... I don't really know. 

Words are powerful, even if you don't mean them to be. 

I think overthinking things is part of my job description. My dad always says not to and that it will do no good, but he has had years of practice unlike me. Who knows, maybe overthinking things is a girl thing. I'll give you an example of me overthinking, which relates to the confrontation previously mentioned. Now, take into thought that I have somehow manage to tell myself that this has a strong possibility to be true. In fact, as I think about writing it, I'm like wow yeah this is totally true. Anyway, sidetracked again. 

So I get back from class and start homework, which in and of itself is off-putting and stressful. Then chapel comes along. I head to chapel with four other people. The whole way I feel left out, despite my best efforts to not be. (Being left out of things also seems to be a part of my job description.) 

Chapel goes on. The speaker is inspirational and all that. I head back to the dorm with one of the four people I went with. We have a nice chat. All is well. Days goes on and I continue my homework I get it all done. Roommate comes back and does her homework. Once I am done with my homework I tell her I am going to watch T.V. Out of respect of her doing her homework, I close our door so that the noise doesn't bother her. The day goes on and I just sit in the living room watching T.V. Occasionally I'll go into our room for certain things, like going to the bathroom and whatnot. She has moved from her desk to her bed. She tells me she can't get her work done and continues to complain about schoolwork, which is totally understandable. Soon she is watching things on her laptop and no longer is doing schoolwork. After about six hours of T.V, (I know it's bad) I decide to go to our room to chill. My roommate then decides, after a few minutes, to go out in our living room. I spend about thirty minutes in the bedroom and decide that it is time to eat dinner. So, I go to the microwave which happens to be in the living room. (College rooms are so small you know, everything is so compacted.) As my food cooks I sit on the couch, my roommate is figuring out something with the T.V.  She sits back on the couch for a little bit. My food is just now finished in the microwave. She gets up and leaves again. I just sit on the couch eating my food for a little while. After my food is done, I clean the fork and throw away whatever needs to be thrown away. I go back to our room and look at my phone for notifications and to get a glass of water. After a couple of minutes, my roommate leaves again to go watch something in the living room. 

Now, from this interaction, my overthinking brain concludes that she is avoiding me. But why? I hadn't even seen her or been around her most of the day. I should enlightened you though. The thing that she told me, the thing that "wasn't meant to hurt me," was that there were times that she needed to be left alone. I understood that. There were few times when I could tell she needed to be left alone, so I let her. From what she continued to say, she made it seem like I was always in her way when she needed to be alone. I was not aware of this. How am I supposed tell that? The times I could tell, I let her be! I understood where she was coming from by saying that we need to try and make other friends so that we don't get sick of each other. I understood. The next day I even bravely texted someone to meet up. (It was fun by the way). I don't know. I know that I am not getting my point across with what she was trying to say. 

I guess what I am trying to say, is that after that conversation, I feel as though I have to walk on egg shells. I never know if she doesn't want me around. My insecurities get to me. Lately, it's as though she doesn't want me around, which I'm sure isn't true. But in my mind that is how it seems. 

I'm the type of person that if I am upset or something, I'll just be silent. However, I know I can't be like that here. In college. Where we are supposed to be adults, which in and of itself is stupid (but that's another topic for another time.) 

I also know that being silent will push her away. I guess I just don't know what to do. I just feel awkward in my own place now. I don't want to be here. I feel suffocated in this atmosphere of awkwardness and loneliness. As hard as I try to make new friends, the new friends don't seem to want to try as hard back. It is tiring. I miss my old friends. The workload isn't hard, stressful yes, but not hard. It is the loneliness that gets to you. I'm tired of trying to fight it. I'm tired of trying to do what my dad says. He says to not let things get to you and that I'll overcome it. I'm sure I will eventually, it just doesn't seem possible now. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I feel as though I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I can't help it. I hate that I can't help it. I'll be fine for a couple minutes, after I tell myself to stop feeling this way. But then I'll start thinking of it all over again and it'll all come rushing back. I'm back where I started. I hate it. My shower isn't even big enough for me to sit down in it (not that I'd want to in a college shower ew), and just cry. I don't have that luxury anymore.

I'm just tired of it all.