Just My Type

So This Is Love?

Hey guys! It's been a while (I feel like I almost always start these entries with this statement in some shape or form sorry haha). I hope all is going well in this wild time. It has been crazy! I have definitely considered writing a chapter/section (not sure what to call these lol) just on COVID, quarantine, politics, and just life in general but I just can't really form the words? Plus, I am quite tired honestly. I feel like all that has been said has been said in regards to COVID. Yes, I am tired of it but that does not just make it magically disappear, as much as I wish it would. I feel like it makes you appreciate the little things as well as other things that we seem to take for granted on a day to day basis. I can't wait till everything gets back to a normal groove. I feel like things may never get back to what they were before, but hopefully this 'new normal' is something that can resemble what we knew before. But, I am not here to write about that, although I do want to say that I hope you are all safe and are doing well. 

Now, what I came here to write about. I guess this is as a good a place as any to admit it. I don't think many will read this anyway lol (which is fine). But...

I think I might be in love. 

There I said it. The reason I say "I think" is because there are a few doubts, such as, is it too soon, how do I know that this is love and not a heavy attraction or admiration? No one really tells you how to know if you are in love, which I think is fine because it can be different to each person. However, I do believe that love is not a feeling. So, that brings me back to my doubts. Is this more than a feeling? How do I know? 

Going back to the being too soon, well it's been 6 months that I have known this person. Ultimately, that is not a long time. However, who's to say there is a time stamp? On the other hand though, I feel like you can really know a person after a year or so of knowing someone, so if I follow my own logic, then to say I am in love would be premature. Ugh why are emotions so complicated? I know 100% that I like this person, but it feels more than that ya know? Is there like a between stage that I am just not aware of? I don't think I could talk to someone close to me about this. Not because I don't have anyone, but I guess what deters me is to see how they will react. In addition to that, I don't entirely know how to word how I feel because I don't really know what I feel myself, so how could I properly articulate it to someone else? 

I am also scared to admit to myself that this could be something more. I know this person feels the same way. (The liking me part, not the being in love part). Whatever this is, it looks like it is heading the direction of being a real relationship, which I am excited about. Despite that, I am scared and nervous. I don't want to be hurt nor hurt the other person. I am scared to be in a relationship and what that means. I am twenty years old. I have only been in one official relationship before. I am still in college. I have that fear that I am sure most people have. What if it doesn't work out? Is it worth the risk? It just seems like so many things could go bad. I can't know how this will end. Like, how could the second person I end up dating be the one I'm going to marry? I know dating someone is to see whether this is the person that you are going to marry. Marriage itself is a big deal and a heavy topic to think about. As I stated previously, I am twenty so there is still so much life to be lived and to figure out. Things can change so fast (as seen through the current of the world as a prime example). 

I can't tell this person how I feel for several reasons 

1) We are miles apart and this isn't an over the phone thing

2) What is they don't feel the same way?

3) Fear of rejection

4) I am not even sure myself how I feel

There are so many other things that can be said and brought up but these are just to name a few. Plus, I low key want to have the satisfaction of them saying it first lol. Is that a bad thing? But like I said earlier, I don't even know. This is a place where I am thinking through my thoughts. That's what makes writing such a helpful tool. 

So, do I love them? Strong possibility. Could it just be the initial attraction etc.? (I don't know what other word to use because attraction is not the right word. This is definitely more than an attraction though.)

This is also a person I have not been able to see in person much because of the pandemic which sucks! Oh my gosh I miss them and my friends. Anyway, I know that time will help and there needs to be more time. 

So, this is a new update. I might be in love? Yikes rights? lol.

That is all I have for y'all.   

Take care. 

XX

J