The Dangers of Butt Dialing

s e v e n

carla
butt dialer

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"this is carla, hello?"

"well good morning to you as well!"

"ughhh why must you call me at this time?"

"what? you make it seem like 11:37am is five am."

"im not a morning person, if you coul— wait. im talking to the infamous butt dialer"

"it is he."

"that doesnt even make sense. but why'd you call me? like not an accidental call..."

"oh— um yea so i may or may not be having girl problems"

"christ. i can practically feel your embarrassment radiating through the phone."

"...so does this mean you'll help me?"

"hm. you dont have anyone else you can talk to about this? your mom? a sister? a cousin? a friend? an acquaintance? a frieni"

"ok i get it. but you're like a last resort."

"IM a last resort? the victim of a butt dial becomes the last resort. ha what has this society become? but sure i'll help you"

"really?"

"yes really"

"..."

"you good there? are you crying of happiness? hello?"

"sorry. i just noticed your laugh was really pretty"

"uh thanks. but if you're flirting with this girl like that, i have no idea why you called me"

"ok well i mean my flirting is pretty good... but thats not the problem. its my 6 month anniversary with my girlfriend. and apparently its kind like a big deal. and i dont know what to do"

"ok. well that isnt a lot to go off of... hm. why dont you describe her to me?"

"well she's really pretty. she has pretty strawberry blonde hair and she has the clearest blue eyes ive ever seen. and"

"stop. i cant help you plan something if you tell me how she looks. like what are some of the things she likes? like her hobbies? or tell me about her personality"

" well i mean she likes um reading the most boring literature— like shakespeare. um she is kinda a nerd at school but outside of school she's outgoing. i remember grace and i once went rollerblading. that was fun"

"ok sounds fun. so did you guys go rollerblading in third grade together? or...?"

"seriously... wait whats your name?"

"grace."

"wow what a coincidence! thats my girlfriends name!"

" you are seriously like the most non observant nerd i have ever talked to. no! my name is carla not grace and i was pulling your leg before, jeez."

"oh. that makes me feel like a fool but honestly. i need your help, in all seriousness."

"sure. ok based off what you told me, i'd say you should go for a romantic dinner or something. it sounds like she's into romantic gestures? im not sure im the best person to talk to about relationships..."

"what do you mean? why? why decide to help me?"

"well i dont really have time for extra stuff, like relationships. you try to take 4 APs and do a sport. its stressful"

"...and i decided to help you because i felt some pity for you. you sounded so stressed and desperate. i dont know, i guess its because i try to be good person most of the time."

"what do you mean"

"i mean that when people ask for help, i try to help. when someone calls, i answer because they may need my help. when someones alone, i comfort them. i dont know. i'd like to think i have an impact on a persons life."

"..."

"that was deep."

"uh. yea. i have stuff to do, so...bye."

"WAIT!"

"make it quick."

"what should i do for graces and mines anniversary"

"have a candle lit dinner, or go to the place you first met or where you had your first date."

"thanks. you have no idea how helpful that was."

"yea...ok. bye"