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Opening Up (Part 1)

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They say I'm happy

They say I'm beautiful

They say I will find someone

They say I will have a girlfriend or boyfriend

They say I don't have problems of myself

They say I'm important

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They say I'm not perfect

They say I am the problem of why people don't want to be my friend

They say I deserve no one

They say I'm ugly

They say no one loves me

They say I gave up on trying

They say I am terrible

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No one really understands what I go through everyday. No one knows, I want to just sleep and not wake up. No one knows, I grew up suffering from low self esteem. No one understands I'm difficult to fight what I believe in

No one understands the real me. The one that has to put up a fake smile everyday and say I'm fine and perfect. I have a eating disorder where I force myself to eat so everyone could be happy. You didn't know? Well, now you know

No one cares about me anyway. I'm like trap in a cage where I can't break free of who I really am. People think I'm only into girls more because they have the same issue they claim. Same issue? What same issue? I only like girls more is because I don't know. Girls I like are either straight, dating, or doesn't want to date me.  Same goes with guys

My favorite thing I always loved to do before I had wattpad or opening up about myself is blood. Blood was my go and favorite. Every time I'm bleeding from itching, cutting, and falling, I smile when I bleed because that was the only thing I had left of me

When I was only 4-5 years old. I made my first ever song called free. Free was about me being stuck and trying to break free of who I really am. So every time I break free from being stuck, I would be happy but then I get stuck again and again, and me trying to break free got harder every time

If you ever wondered what I search up on YouTube of songs/music to listen. Well, I search up, Sad Depressed Music Hour or, Sad Depressed Songs Hour usually what comes up on youtube is a nightcore mix of sad songs. Or, my favorite rappers, Lil Peep and XXXtentacion mix. Or, my favorite songs that are sad and depressing. Like, Her Last Words by Courtney Parker (I relate to that song)

I have like 3-4 friends in real life. They don't know that I suffer from low self esteem and more things that I had open up. For online I have like a lot of friends who relates to me in anyway possible. EX: Low Self Esteem

I relate to Daniel James Howell aka Dan Howell. I feel better when I watch his videos, collabs with Phil (On Phil's channel or lives) or when a new gaming video on his and Phil gaming channel. I relate when Dan is sad or thinking of bad things. For Philip Michael Lester aka Phil Lester, I don't really relate to him anyway. But, sometimes I do

When I was at my 2nd oldest brother house for dinner. I had broken down into tears and ran upstairs and cried. He found me on his stairs and hugged me. I told him about my low self esteem and me looking up to him since I was 4. It was hard for me to tell him those things but he smiled at me and said. "Bearskie I love you and you are important. Brittany, Bryan, Jimin, Victoria, and me who loves you and cares about you"

This what I'm writing I hope. I really hope you understand how hard it's for me to open up stuff like this since I'm not really good at opening up at stuff. The one thing I love about my siblings, (Brittany, Bryan, Jimin, Johnny, and Brendon) is that they care and love me even if I don't believe it and they will always help me if I'm down. Brendon could help me since he's like a therapist to me. I love him and he's the best 2nd oldest brother who I love and ever had

This is part 1 of my opening up. There will be in total probably 6 or 8 parts of me opening up. I really need you all to understand this is not a back story because back on March (yes I'm bringing it back) Of 2018 My School/district and old school/district was on the news because a kid threatened/sent an anonymous email to a teacher that they would shoot. When I open it up on the Sims community someone thought it was the sim (I made) backstory. But it wasn't

Goodnight 😴 Probably if I do get a chance to sleep