Nurul Qalbi

chapter twenty

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I felt like i was floating on air..i felt no pain, love,sorrow..i felt hollow..nothing seemed real to me, i could not feel any part of my body..nothing felt real..

I found myself in an apple orchid..soothing sounds of water filled my ears..i was suddenly aware of my surrounding, i saw someone sitting faraway under a tree filled with red apples..i slowly walked up to him and immediately realizing who it was i smiled and immediately hugged him..

"I knew it..they were all lying..they said you were gone, but i refused to succumb.. Me and your baby are eagerly waiting for you at home..baba and jamil tried pranking me saying you were dead..i knew you could not betray me..i knew you would never leave us"..

He was so quiet..staring into his eyes..he was smiling a painful smile and slowly before my eyes he disappeared echoing the words.."i would always be with you"..

I started screaming.. Looking for him frantically.. I could hear my name being called from a distance..i tried following the voice..an annoying sound filled my ears..i finally opened my eyes hyperventilating.. The doctor immediately came to my side..

"Hanan...take a deep breath and release..take another and release..you can do it..lets go together"..

He took a deep breath and subconsciously i followed mimicking him staring into his eyes..finally the sound stopped and he urged baba to follow him into his office..

i realized i was surrounded by mummy, salmah, umm Ammar and jamil..everyone was lost in thought with tears stricken faces..they quickly scampered to my bedside..each one trying to assure my stability..i could not open my mouth..i kept staring ahead without blinking..

****

"Doctor how is my baby girl doing..it seems she is finding it difficult to face reality"

"Well yes..Alhaji, you see..we tried all our best to ensure her wellbeing..Alhamdulilah she responded to treatment notwithstanding her condition which made us not to administer some drugs to her.."doctor Adeel spoke softly..his face showing concern

"Doctor i dont understand...is hanan carrying any disease..is she not ok.."

"Didn't you people know..she is with child..twins to be precise..24 weeks old"

Daddy smiled painfully..tears streaming from his eyes

"Subhanallah...Alhaji is something the matter..is everything alright?"

"No doctor am happy..but this news came at a wrong time..i wonder whether her husband knew before he passed away..that was the reason why we brought her to the hospital"

"Am very sorry for your loss Alhaji..may Allah grant him jannah and give her the fortitude to bear the loss.. And may Allah nurture this kids to grow and carry on his  name"..

"Ameen doctor... We are indeed much grateful for your concern"

"Well all things being well...Alhaji, considering her condition..i urge you people to take good care of her..anything can happen at this stage of her pregnancy..her blood pressure really shot up..any trigger or slight imbalance in her hormones can cause an ectopic pregnancy.."

"In shaa Allah doctor...thank you very much"

"You are most welcome Alhaji"..

Doctor Adeel beamed a smile and followed daddy out of the office..going ahead to check on other patients..

Coming back into the room..daddy looked at me..forcing himself to smile.. I wanted speaking...to cry..to let out all my pains and sorrow, but i could not..i cannot accept the fact that he was gone.. Just like that, a passing wind which carried away all my feelings, leaving me empty and lifeless..

After a week in the hospital i was finally discharged on condition to come for a weekly check up in the hospital and with doctor Adeel promising to check up on me..he was really caring and kind, but that gesture just seems to aggravate me..

Coming back home i resolved to staying up in my room avoiding contact with life..i refused to speak to anyone.. I could not even cry for him..salmah was always by my side even when she has to be with her husband..

***
Sitting by the patio..looking far into the horizon i could sense a presence behind me..slowly the person came forward sitting adjacent to me i recognized the voice..

"Salamu'alaykum hanan...remember me?...it's doctor Adeel..i came to check up on you..your mother said you were out here"...

Silence..

"How are you feeling...how is the baby growth..do you feel any thing abnormal..any unusual discharge..any pain or discomfort"...

Silence..he was getting on my nerves..how dare he..coming here all nice and mushy.. Puck nosing in other peoples business.. I wanted yelling at him..but i could not speak..

"Hanan..you are already in your second trimester...this is not good for your health..Alhaji said you have not been eating..neither speaking to anyone, avoiding all contact..you should not shy away from your problems..a problem shared is a problem half solved..speak up.. We all are here for you.."

I slowly looked up at him with a sad eyes and turned my gaze away...he does not know how i feel...nobody knows how i feel...everyone just keeps barging in..its not fair..i lost my life..i lost everything, but no one care..they just want me up and doing..

I heard a sigh behind me..just realizing that mummy has been here the whole time..i quickly averted my gaze from her..

"Doctor.. We have tried all our possible best but she just wont budge..i cry myself to sleep everyday..i cant bear to see my daughter this way..i suggested a change of environment but her father wont hear of it"..

"I was just about to tell you that..a change of environment might help..i will talk to Alhaji about it..take care hanan..call me if you need anything of feel anything..am always here for you"...

With that he left mummy sighing and also leaving..i felt pain all over again..but i could not bring myself to pour them out..i cant leave here..this is my only solace..knowing my family is close to me..nobody understands me..nobody does..

Suddenly i felt a sharp pain in my abdomen.. Suddenly another jerk followed.. I felt something liquid tricking down my legs.. I could not bear it any longer..i felt another one..i then let out a scream....

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Hello people..so i could not complete this chapter because i could not bring myself to write about hanans pain.. Please read my little authors blabber..

Sometimes when things go wrong and you feel nobody cares and nobody understands my dear..its just a negative thought..a lot of people do care about you..you are loved..do not try to bottle up your emotions and throw them away..

speak up..you not speaking up can cause a lot of damage to you..but emotional physical and mental.. Someone is always ready to listen..and people who comes to tell their problems to you..do not make fun of them or laugh at their woes..be a shoulder to lean on..you might be the only thread left for them to hand on..someone might be sitting close to you contemplating suicide and you might thing all is well but it is not..it is not written on the forehead..#speakup #sucideisnottheanswer

Sahbeerah luvs you😭😭😘😘