Nurul Qalbi

chapter thirty-two

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I stilled.. Hearing that voice ..different thoughts began to cross my mind..it couldn't be..

"I am..i am that idiot who thought he deserves someone like you..please forgive me for acting selfish and toying with your emotions..forgive me for wanting you all by myself.. Forgive me for wanting peace and sanctity for once in my messed up life..hanan please give me a chance to make things right  its neither Muhammad's fault neither mine..we thought what we think was best for you..he was just acting like the big brother he is..."

"By making another persons happiness come first before his..i see"..i scoffed, still refusing to face him

"Its never like that hanan..you never know what you do to please a loved one unless it arises"..the voice spoke again

"Hanan"...Muhammad drawled

For the first time since this unfortunate morning i noticed his swollen and tired eyes..he had even lost some weight..

"It was never my intention not to get married to you..i loved you and i still love you and i will forever love you.. Its just that circumstances did not allow us to get married..Allah has already written better things for us..we might think we deserve each other but Allah knows best.. I had to do it and i know if i told you the reason you would also do so in a heartbeat"..

"Then tell me the reason"..

"I cant..am not in a position to do so..your husband is in a better position to do so"..

"husband" i tasted the bitter word in my mouth ..i thought as much"..

"Please hanan..consider your children"..the voice spoke again..

"Dont you dare!!!!..dont you even dare bring my children into this..i am tired..i am tired of making sacrifices.. I am tired of people blackmailing me because of my children...they are grown up now, they can now understand the loss of a dear one and am going to tell them now"..

"Halimah please...dont drag your children into this emotional mess..they deserve some love too..do you want them to go through what you went through..dont deprive them of fatherly love just because two idiots decided to toy with your feelings"...Muhammad pleaded

"Dont tell me how to act with my children..you guys have done enough..so please..let us be..i beg you..you have done what you thought was right, now allow me to do what i also think is best for me "..still without looking at him i hurriedly took flight of the stair, i ran up to my room and the water works began..

"Hanan..you know you can talk to me.. Tell me am your best friend you know"..

I did not sense anybody's presence in the room until i heard a voice..

"Salmah please let me be..i dont want to talk about it"..

"Ok..if you are not ready i could wait"..

"No salmah you dont understand, i dont want to talk about it not now, nor ever..now please would you let me be"..

"Hmmm..you know where to find me when you are ready to talk"..salmah picked up her bag and dragged herself out of the room..

I fell deeper into the bed and cried harder..this test was too much ya Allah..why me, why not any other random halima..am too frail for this..

Subhanallah.. i chastised myself remembering that Allah does not burden his servant with anything he cannot bear..

Then i did what every reasonable person would do when faced with a turmoil..i performed ablution and proceeded to table all my sorrows and grievances to the one and all knowing..i lost count of how many unit of prayer i did and supplications i engaged in..i was in that position till i fell asleep..

It was a soft knock that awoke me from my slumber..i stirred and stood upright from my praying mat, i cracked my neck and walked into the bathroom, i rinsed my face and wiped it with a towel..i looked into the mirror and saw how disheveled i looked, so many things has happened within a short span of time..Ya Allah, make it easy for me i prayed..

I walked out and met mama(her ex-mother in law) sitting on the bed..i forced a smile and sat close to her resting my head on her shoulders..she stroked my head as tears pooled in my eyes, i never knew i still had tears to shed again after what has happened throughout the years..i felt comfortable here on mamas shoulder reminiscing my old memories..

"Hanan..i heard what happened"..

"Mama please can we not talk about this..i dont want to believe that you are part of this..everyone i have ever thought that had my best interest at heart had betrayed me and it hurts so much"..

"I cant tell you i know how you feel hanan but one thing for sure is with every difficulty our Lord has promised us relief..and i believe yours will come sooner than you think..everyone still has your best interest at heart, not everything is as it seems from the outside you need to listen to what people say and not shut yourself out completely"..

"Did mummy send you here?" I asked raising my head from her shoulders..

"Why would you want to think that..have you forgotten that am also your mother?"

"No mama am not saying that.. Its just that everyone i ever loved had hurt me so many times that i lost count of, from my childhood right to adulthood.. I cant take it anymore, am not a toy that can be played with anyhow, i have a heart also..they cant just hide under the pretense of my children and do whatever they like..its not done that way.."

"Don't judge based on what you see or perceive to be the truth..have you bothered asking why what happened did happen?"..

"I tried mama..but nobody is telling me anything...everyone is avoiding me saying i should talk to my so called husband i married"..

"Then did you"..

"No i did not mama..i cant bear to see him talk more of talking to him"..

"But you do know that you are now his wife and he has right now over you.. Very soon you would be taken back to his house.."

"No mama..i cant..i am not going anywhere.. Not now nor ever, am sick and tired of all this things"..

"Now hanan..are you trying to question your Lord...he placed you in this position and  you think he doesn't love you..if you really have faith in your Lord and you belief with every difficulty comes relief and you really respect the decision of we your parents, you wouldn't be saying all this.." She frowned

"Its not like that..am conflicted mama..i dont know what to do"..

"You do what your scripture say..respect your husband and go to him, it doesnt matter whether the marriage was against your wish even though you had the choice of a spouse, it doesnt matter whether it was Muhammad or not..you have to obey him, he owns you now and there is nothing you can do about it..now woman up and clean your tears, wear a big smile and face the world squarely in the face and you will see everything falling into place"

"Thank you so much mama..i will try..may Allah grant me the strength to do so"…

"Ameen habibaty..now go take a shower and beautify yourself so that you become the coolness of his eyes koh, am here for you now and always"..

I forced a smile and stood up and do as she asked..after a quick shower and some Kohl i was ready..i need no excess makeup its not like am trying to impress anyone..she and some of my aunties got into the car and i was driven to my second home..i did not even get to see mummy and daddy..

I sighed as i was brought to a stop in front of the house..this is it..it changes everything from now..i supplicated then put my right foot inside..

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Toh our hanan is here again..how would she cope in her new home...

Sahbeerah luvs you😘😘😘