You're Mine

Chapter 25: Drown My Sorrow

     By the smell I felt that he was right behind me. Even before that, I felt he was there.

     The windows were open in the church, and the wind bring the scent of Cologne water and cigarettes up to me. It was, surprisingly, comforting.

     My mother and I were sitting in the first row. I turned and saw Billy. In a black shirt with no tie, he looked at the floor. He didn't see me watching him those couple of seconds or he just ignored me.

     When priest said he was a beloved father, I felt that every muscle in my body was tighten. If he and Billy had a normal relationship, his son would keep a speech. I couldn't imagine what would Billy actually say if he had a chance to speak.

     He didn't cry. He didn't look up. He was just...there, which, I suppose, is better than he not coming at all.

     After it ended. I watched Billy and several other men, carrying the coffin out of the church. Billy still didn't show any feelings.

     My mother was with me in the car, while Polly and Billy were in the car behind us.

     When we arrived at the cemetery, we gathered around the huge hole in front of the monument where the Hargrove was engraved.

     I was wondering whether my mother would be buried here or next to my father.

     Billy walked out of the car and walked over to where I was standing and looked into the hole. He just stared at it, just like me. When he turned he looked at me, I saw panic in his eyes.

     It's a strange thing how you leave the pride behind, when you truly feel that someone you care about needs help.

     I caught him by the hand. He didn't resist.

     "I can't do this.", he said.

     "Do what?"

     "What if they ask me to help with the coffin? I can't do it."

     "It's okay, Billy. You don't have to do anything you don't want.", he just nodded, blinked and said nothing.

     Then he let go of my hand, turned and walked away.

     "Billy...wait!"

     "I can't watch them putting him down there, let alone participate in it."

     "It's okay, you don't have to."

     "I don't think I want to be here, Betty. Anyway, I don't want to watch that."

     "Billy, that's a normal reaction, we don't have to go back, I'll stay with you here."

     Not far from us landed a black crow I wondered what that meant.

     After a few seconds of silence, he spoke. "In one of our worst fights, probably a year before I met you, he said that he would rather be dead than living and looking at what kind of a failure I'll turn into.", he looked at his shoes and shook his head. "I replied to that by saying that if so, I would have a smile on my face while they putting him down."

     Tears came to my eyes. "Billy..."

     He whispered and looked at the sky. "I didn't mean that.", I could hardly hear his voice and realized that he was addressing to his father at that moment. "I have to get out of here, I can't stay here, I'm losing myself, I feel like I can't breathe."

     Suddenly he speeded up the walk and I went after him.

     "Where do you want to go? At the airport?"