ironstrange headcanons

i want to be alright

(listen to the song while reading)
i don't know how many of you know the fanfiction "alone on the water" of the sherlock fandom, but this is kinda based on it. stephen has brain cancer and has to take pills to calm the pain but those are gonna shorten his lifetime. he eventually dies. it's sad but also there's a lot of fluff.

its been a months after Stephen got diagnosed with cancer. funny, isn't it? a neurosurgeon with a brain cancer. it wasn't even in the group of things he always thought that could happen to him. he thought about getting killed on a mission, he thought about getting poisoned, he thought about killing himself, but he never thought about cancer once.

tony has never been so devastated before. he always sees stephen in pain and wishes it could stop. but if it stops, it'd mean he's gone. he just wants him to be happy and healthy.

stephen has been feeling numb, weak and innocent. he doesn't want to go. he doesn't want to leave tony alone.
he doesn't sleep at night because he's scared he won't see tony's face the next morning. every day could be his last.
he always hears tony crying at night while drinking enough alcohol for ten people.
he doesn't want tony to do that because of him. he wants all of this to stop.

it's tony's birthday today, and stephen wants to do something for him. he doesn't have much strength. the disease is getting worse day by day. he's getting skinnier and skinnier every day. he never eats, and when he does, pukes right after he finished. he will try to be strong for tony and pass this day for the last time in his life.

he gets up slowly as his head hurts, making him teetering and cry. he breathes heavily and tries not to focus on the pain.

he knows tony loves when he cooks his "special biscuits", so he decides to cook them for him.
he starts making them and puts them in the oven when finished. he feels bad, he is so much in pain that he can't stand up anymore. he collapses on the ground and shakes as the head hurts like somebody keeps running over it with a car. he suddenly got paler than the usual.

he can't move. he feels like a hundreds of screaming demons are singing the death song to him.

"stop, STOP! STOP IT! I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!"
he screams out in pain, crying.

tony is coming home, and he can hear stephen crying and screaming. he gets in as fast as light, and bursts out in tears when he sees stephen on the ground, shaking like a fish out of the water.

"stephen, stephen i'm home. i'm here. oh, god what did you do?" he says, trying to calm him down, picking him up and putting him on the bed again
"stephen.. love. i told you not to exert yourself." tony says, kneeling at the edge of the bed, holding his hand.
stephen is sobbing because of the panic attack.
"i.. wanted to surprise you.. it's your birthday.. and.. i want you to be happy and not sad because of me." stephen explains the reason behind it and tony feels so sorry but also proud of him.
"oh, baby. i love you so, so much. you do make me happy. you always do and you didn't-"
he got interrupted by Stephen
"make you happy? tony, you've been crying and drinking every goddamn night since i got diagnosed with cancer. how am i supposed to make you happy? this is the complete opposite of being happy! i am ruining you! because of this stupid disease!" stephen bursts out in tears again, thinking about it.
tony tries to hold back the tears and look strong for stephen, but fails.
"i'm so sorry. i'm sorry. that shouldn't be happening to you. why didn't it come to me?! why does those fucking diseases always have to ruin such beautiful people?" tony says, his voice breaking at the end.
"don't you dare to say that, tony. nobody deserves this. i wouldn't wish this not even at my arch enemy. cancer consumes you and the people around you day by day. cancer kills you since the first day, to the last. it's poison. it kills you slowly and makes you suffer." he pauses "i don't want to hurt you anymore." stephen says firmly, looking at tony's teary eyes. "what.. what do you mean with that?"
"please, hug me. don't leave me." stephen says heartbroken.

tony doesn't hesitate for a second and hugs him tightly sobbing in his chest, as stephen kisses him on the head.

"i'm sorry i'm making you go through this." stephen says, cuddling with tony.

"you're worth every pain in the world." he replies,  softly.

stephen tried to ignore his head aching and whimpers in pain.
"tony.. this is- getting worse day by day.  it hurts so bad. i can't do this. i'm not as strong as you think i am"

"no. you're right. you're even stronger than i think you are. i'd have already given up if i was the one with it. you're the strongest person i know. i love you so much and i'm proud of you for fighting everyday for your life. but one question. why didn't you want to get the surgery? you.. could've been okay now.." he asks.

"well, tony.. first, if i had the surgery, i wouldn't have remembered who you were. my brain cancer is too extended and most of the things i know would've been disintegrated. i'd rather leave you as dead man rather than a man who doesn't know you at all. after all the things we've been through tony... i'd rather die knowing all these little precious things rather than living without knowing none of them. i thought about it, and i thought that if i didn't know you at all, i'd have gotten myself a new family, meanwhile your family was me. that would hurt you way more than my death. let me love you till i die. let me be happy with you till my heart decides to stop beating. i love you more than anything in the world..and yes.. i'd have been okay now, but i may not have been okay with YOU but with somebody else."i
stephen tries to smile to comfort him, but internally he feels like he could die in a matter of a second.

"stephen i..didn't know that. i thought it was gonna be a great choice.. but now, thinking about it, i don't know.. i don't want you to die either.."

"oh love, this is life, sadly. i would've died anyways. you know that i am always early. it's just me." stephen tries to joke about it, letting out a little laugh

tony giggles at the joke and looks at stephen's beautiful shiny eyes.

"tony, i made you something when you were at work. it's in the oven. i guess they're ready now, unless you want to eat some burned-to-death biscuits"

"i'll go get them. i'm sure they're amazing as always. maybe even more than the usual" tony gets up and runs downstairs to check the biscuits. he gets them out of the oven and puts them on a plate, walking back in the room.

"they smell so amazing, stephen."
he gets one and flinches as he touches the overheated biscuit

"hey little boy, those still burn."

"hey wizard, i'm used to it. you know, i live with you. you're hot. i can deal with the biscuits too." tony smiles and lies next to him, putting the plate between them.

"you want some?" tony asks him

"happy birthday, darling. i love you."

tony blushes and smiles as he feels stephen getting one of his hands

"thank you for being here in this hard moment.." stephen says snuggling up with him.

they pass the entire day cuddling on the bed, laughing and watching tv.

stephen promised tony to get pills every day, both knowing that it's gonna shorten the days of his life.

he dies after two weeks when Tony was at work.

he found a piece of paper in his hands as he came home.

"i was tired, tony. it was the time. i wanted to wait you to come home, but at the same time i didn't want you to see me die in front of your eyes. I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. please, be strong for me. you made my life a happy one. and there's no tragedy in that. i love you, until my breathing stops.

-Stephen"

stephen was still smiling. he was curled up on the bed like he was sleeping. sleeping for the eternity.

"in life we loved you dearly,
in death we love you still.
in our hearts you hold a place
no one else will ever fill."