Living in my head

Entry 1:

Sunday, 19th August 23:56

Hey,
Welcome to my first entry! Yey!

God, it's so much easier to pretend your happy on message. Like that "yey" was the fakest shit I ever typed.

Anywho, today was a pretty okay day. I still felt moderately empty but I had a lovely little breakdown yesterday so I guess I was kinda grateful that I wasn't rocking backwards and forwards on my bed while hyperventilating. It was a good step up.

We walked up some mountain thing which (and read this a sarcastically as possible) was fun. I got to strain my legs while sweating my arse off in a giant, orange, woolly jumper. I love life.

The upside is, I didn't really have to talk to anyone, which is always ideal. I hate socialising. I would rather sit in a room of people In awkward silence than engage in any sort of conversation. But silence is bad for me. Cos when it's silent I think and when I think all I think about are the negatives and then thinking about the negatives pull me deeper and deeper into that cold empty place in my mind that I seem to have almost permanently moved into.

My mind is not a complex place. There are approximately 5 things that hold reign over my brain. (Pardon the rhyme) they go like this:

1: sarcastic comments. Mainly consisting of: "this is fun", "I love my life" or just "great"

2: negative comments. Mainly consisting of: "I want to die", "I'm so tired", "I hate life", "I hate myself", "I hate people" and the classic "fuck me."

4: complaints. Mainly consisting of: "I'm so hungry", "I'm so tired", "I'm so bored" and "I'm so done."

And finally 5: fandoms. If you are part of any fandom you will know how constantly,  your faves are on your mind. For example: there could be bird shit on a car window and I'd immediately think "I wonder if that's Kevin's?"

In conclusion, my minds fucked. If those 5 points aren't enough evidence more will certainly be provided throughout this "diary".

I hope you enjoyed this first entry. If there's anything about this that you don't like, let me know and if there's anything about me you don't like, don't bother mentioning it coz I probably don't like it either.

Tune in next time for for another entry of "Living in my head."

All the love
L x