Living in my head

Entry 8:

Friday 31st August 16:24

Do you ever feel so fucking useless to the point where you're just like "what's the point in me even being here?" Cos that's how I feel right now.

So mediocre and unnecessary.

I feel like I'm not contributing anything in anyway and I'm not doing anything that can make me or other people proud.

Everything I do is just average.

I want to write, every time I try it gets abandoned after a chapter because I'm to lazy to commit or I read something else that makes my writing look like dog shit. I want to sing, every time I try I find someone that can sing way better. I want to write a song, every time I try I get like one good verse out of it or I realise that the crap I write I never gonna get me anywhere. I want to draw, I try, it looks like someone threw up on paper. I want to play an instrument, I try, ends up being boring and so goddamn average. Everything is average. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

My goal in life is to, in the future, be doing something creative, that I enjoy. I can't do that when everything creative to try goes tits up!

Some people are fine with average, I've studied poems in English about exactly that, but I'm not one of those people. I won't settle will being mediocre.

I thought for a while that I like to go into being a radio dj. I thought it would be a great way to share my passion with people but, no shade to radio peeps, it's not very creative and exciting, it's just listening to music. I can do that from home.

I want a talent. I proper one. Not something I'm "okay" at or that I'm "pretty good" at. I need something that's gonna make me me and that I can even try and shape my future around.

Sorry this is just a big boring rant but this is the only thing on my mind right now and I didn't have anywhere else to vent to.

I start school again in like 5 days and I'm already preparing myself for disappointment. The tears are all set up ready to fall for when shit starts to fall apart too.

Wish me luck.

All the love,
L x