Living in my head

Entry 2:

Monday 20th August 23:55

Hey, what's up you guys? Yes! Today I'm back with another crappy entry about my crappy life :)

So I was just reading cliched (the best harry fanfic ever, that's shits so funny) and I was like "ya know I'm really tired, I should get some sleep" then I was like "why the fuck am I talking to myself?" And then I was like "cos ur fucking insane" which obviously reminded me that I had to update this sooooooo.......hello!

Today I went out to get my school uniform for the new year. It was pretty chill aside from the fact my nana was there (and it cos 250 freaking pound but ya know, priorities) and she's had a stroke. Consequently, everything anyone said was the funniest shit on the planet or just needed a really loud reaction and I'm not hating on my nana, I love her obviously, but it's just so difficult for my mum. She has had to watch the woman that she grew up with and looked up to disappear and be almost replaced and it's so fucking painful to see so I can't imagine how she feels. However, it did go surprisingly smoothly.

I don't really remember everything, I just kind floated through the day but it's way better than thinking and feeling like shit so I'm just gonna roll with it.

I didn't cry today. Sometimes I wish I would, maybe not as extreme as my "I have to go" situation a few days ago (which maybe I'll eventually talk about) but just a few tears would be okay. Just to prove to myself that I'm not a shell of a person.

I haven't spoken to my friends in weeks. I really can't be arsed with people, especially the people I call my friends. "I don't fucking care if you're pregnant Jessica! Oh you don't know who the father is? Well that's great!"

Joking! Joking!

I don't have a friend called Jessica.

And if one of my friends did get pregnant I'd be as supportive as possible............

From my bedroom ;)

ANYWAY........ yeah. I hate my friends, I hate people, I hate life. What's new?

Also, some of you may be wondering what the fucks wrong with me? If I ever find out, use with be the first to know but what I know so far (from my expert opinion) is that I'm just a sad person. I mean, both my parents suffer with depression, my auntie has social anxiety and as I mentioned before, my nana had a stroke, but ultimately I don't have it that bad. People deal with much worse shit, so as much as I would like to maybe speak to someone that knows what their talking about, or as much as I think dying just sounds so much easier, I could never do either of those things.

1: because if I got professional help the whole thing would be so much more real and not like some stupid shit in my head. If someone labelled it or diagnosed me then that means I'm officially fucked up and I would probably get worse.

2: I'm to weak to ever do anything to hurt myself. I'd much rather sleep forever or just hit reset, (but if I started life over then I might not have been to see harry or Shawn so maybe not). I also couldn't hurt the people I love and the people that love me. Even though I'd be dead I think my grandad would bring me back and personally kill me all over again cos he'd be pissed.

So, In conclusion, good old, fucked up me is sticking around whether you want me to or not.

See you tomorrow (or whenever the fuck I update) with a new entry!

Sayonara suckers!!

All the love,
L x

P.s. sorry anyone called Jessica reading it was just the first name that popped into my head.

P.p.s. I lied, Barbra was the first name that came into my head but I would immediately want to respond with 'Harry!' And that would be a whole other situation.

P.p.p.s. You all should read Cliché and Clichéd the harry styles fanfics cos they are GOLD! Bye again!!!