If Only

C H A P T E R 5

CAPTURE THE MOMENT

MIRANDA

The all too familiar sense of fear and drowning gripped my body as Raven kissed me. Try as I may, I could not get my nerves to settle down. Tremors ran through me.

Only then did Raven pull back. I could not meet her eyes.

Closing my eyes and trying to take deep breathes, I sat there and waited for it to pass.

Why am I experiencing this again?

These attacks I had under control for years were once again triggered by Ruen's assault a few months back.

I hid from her whenever I felt the panic rose. After her assault and during the times she spent in the hospital, I barely held it by a thread.

Why now?

A voice that seemed to come from a distance spoke. I could not make sense of it. Suddenly, a hand came to rub my back as if helping me to calm down. That was when I looked up and saw Raven hovering–worried.

Just moments ago, it was me who was comforting and helping her. If only I could, I would have laughed at the unlikely reversal of roles.

I focused on her lips forming my name again and again whilst I could not make a sound. The ringing in my ears made it impossible for me to respond.

Unchecked, the tears kept rolling down my eyes. This is the worst attack I have had so far. For a minute there I thought I would pass out.

"Hush, Miranda," she gathered me into her arms and gently telling me that everything was going to be alright, "I'm sorry. There's nothing to be afraid of. Believe me."

We sat there huddled together as she reassured me that everything will be fine, "just keep taking deep breaths."

She let go of me and took my cold clammy hands.

I let myself be comforted by her hands as she massaged my palm, the back of my hands and then my stiff fingers.

Eventually, my shaking stopped and my breathing was no longer troubling me. A couple of minutes more or so until I was sure I had regained control of my bodily functions.

"Thanks," I managed to say while I took off my jacket and placed it on the arm of the couch. Then, I wiped the remnants of tears and sweat from my face.

"Here," Raven offered her handkerchief to me.

Smiling in gratification, I took it from her and resumed wiping off the evidence of my weakness.

Raven nodded and left my side to go sit back on the couch she occupied, "I'm sorry, Miranda."

Sorry?

She thought that she was the cause of it or at least her actions triggered it.

Partly, maybe?

"Hey, not your fault," I said.

She might have been here when I panicked but that doesn't mean she caused it. It was the irrational bouts of fear that has rendered me unable to control my faculties.

She smiled but it did not reach her eyes.

"I won't do it again," she promised.

"Are you sure?" I gave her a handkerchief back, "you'll stop yourself from randomly dropping kisses on me every chance you get?"

"I'll do my best," she said.

An eyebrow up, I stared at her in disbelief.

"Oh, damn! You make it hard to," she blushed crimson and messed her hair.