If Only

C H A P T E R 8

FUELING RAGE

RAVEN

Sporting a red bump to work that morning, I was angry at myself. Earlier, I woke up on the laundry room's floor with a pillow under my head and a soft blanket over my body. Groggy and disoriented, I listened in to the synced audio recording of my recent memory on my tab but nothing explained why I spent an uncomfortable night on the hard floor. Minutes later, updated and with a purpose, I left the room in search for Miranda, the woman supposedly married for revenge.

"Miranda!"

No one answered and nobody was present on the sofa. Climbing the stairs, I was not startled that the bed was made and there was no sign of the woman there either.

Another alarm sounded and my watch told me that I had to get ready if wanted to make it an hour early for an important meeting. Like a programmable machine, I moved and acted the part.

Since weeks before last year ended, my brother Galvin has been indisposed. Only Uncle Alfred has been assisting me as I take on the responsibility of stabilizing the company after the last quarter fiasco and my brother's accident. Losing almost half of our family's assets in the bankruptcy of one of our sister companies, I suffered sleepless nights to be on top of things.

Weeks of it, it was inhumane-sleep deprivation. But if I closed my eyes and allowed myself to rest, I'll forget everything again. The only good thing that came out of everything that happened was that I seemed to be able to retain the memories were the only business is concerned. All personal memories were shredded then burned for good measure.

It's as if my subconscious didn't want to remember it on purpose.

Grabbing my phone from the bedside table, I walked down the loft. Starving, my stomach growled in protest when I headed for the elevator. It's like I have skipped a whole day's meal. Maybe I did. So I ran to the kitchen like a hungry modern hunter.

Raiding the refrigerator, I cursed at my inability to cook a simple and decent meal. There was no frozen meat like hotdogs, bacon or ham that I could just fry. No more eggs either. Fish, shrimp, clams and some greens were there. I looked into the cupboards for canned goods and found none.

Guess Miranda doesn't care so much for her 'wifely' duties in and out of bed.

My stomach growled again. Took a bowl and filled it with oats and milk, I ate standing by the counter. By my second scoop, I noticed a covered bowl and a tumbler on the dining table. With my meager breakfast in hand, I approached the table.

'I'd like to starve you to death for what you did last night but by the looks of it, you were already doing a darn good job on your own. Eat at your own risk!'

'P.S. It's poisoned. -M.'

Putting the note down, I lifted the top of the bowl and found smoked salmon, with greens and six-minutes egg. It smelt so mouth-wateringly good that I almost had my oatmeal bowl thrown in the trash.

Taking the fork, I had a salmon in my mouth right after the first bite. The insulated bowl kept the food warm and the taste was divine. Curious about the tumbler's content, I opened it. The black and sleek stainless steel tumbler contained smoothie, still cold. Recognizing a few of its ingredients, I gulped down half.

Ok, I retract my previous statement.

Miranda could fend for herself in the kitchen.

* * *

My wandering mind was snapped back into reality when the intercom buzzed. "Ms. Deschanel, your one o'clock is here." Jade, my secretary, informed me.

I should never give in to her and forget why I had her.

"Thanks, Jade. Give me five before you send him in." I ran a hand over my short hair to fix it and straightened my tie. My hand landed on my growling stomach when I smoothed my suit down.

Damn, I skipped lunch again.

Done with the third meeting I had to endure today. Before five p.m., I left the building and had my chauffeur drive me to Galvin's home.

Entering the mansion, I waved the attendants off, passed through the halls and got into my brother's temporary room.

"How is he?" I dare not come close and see my brother beyond the glass room. Him lying there with tubes and machines helping him live and monitoring his vitals-he was far from the Galvin of my early adult memories.

"Still no changes," the stay-in doctor said and went on blabbering about medical gibberish. All I got from him was that my brother isn't waking up anytime soon.

The glass room where my brother laid was designed like the ICU of the finest hospitals. Got him the best home care our wealth could afford.

Wake up, Vin.

Not bearing to see him like that for long, I bade the doctor and nurse goodbye with instructions of doing everything necessary to make sure my brother was comfortable and to help bring him back into his usual lively self.

Because that man lying there was only the husk of the brother I love.

"Aunt Ray!"

A four-year-old girl with the same familiar brown eyes and an all-too-familiar face ran to me and hugged the only part of me that she could reach. She clung to my pants and waited for me to lean down and carry her up.

I dare not.

I stood there unsure of what to do as hopeful brown eyes begged for the basic human form of affection every child needed to feel loved - an endearing kiss and warm hug. The kid wanted reassurance that everything was going to be fine.

How could I when I am lost too?

I am lashing out.

The broken and jagged pieces of me can never give her the comfort she needed.

I'd only hurt the kid if I do.

Those beautiful brown eyes were starting to tear up at what she perceived as rejection.

"Ai, come here, honey." Harriette took her and nodded at me, "you look gaunt, Rave. Have you eaten? Don't work yourself to the ground."

Refusing to look at her while she held the child, I turned my attention to the works of art lining the walls.

"I am ok, Harriette. You worry too much."

"A woman's ok could mean 'ok, really, I am' to 'somedays I just want to disappear'. Your 'ok' categorically belongs to the later. I don't even want to touch on the horrible version of that 'ok'." I heard her say. "You're not fooling anyone. Not even yourself."

"I will get by,"ecause I had to.

"Have you had anything to eat?" she asked.

"I'll get something along the way." My fists were clenched as I remembered eating and enjoying the food prepared by the enemy.

My eyes landed on the enormous portrait of Galvin's wife. Calling the young help who passed by, I told her to remove it and put it away. Somewhere I wouldn't see. Or. "Burn it!"

"Rave..." Harriette forced me to face her. Her hand was on the child's head making the young one look away.

"I have to go. Say hello to Aaron for me." I made a hasty retreat, almost.

"Be back, Aunt Ray." The child called out to me. I made a tiny wave but did not turn to face her.

Damn you, Miranda!