If Only

C H A P T E R 18

HURTS

MIRANDA

"Arghh... ughhh..."

"It hurts... get it out..."

"Get it out!"

I woke to the sound of Raven's screams. Sitting up and assessing the situation, I was starting to feel scared as well. She was soaked in sweat, her face contorted in fear and her hands' death gripped the blanket by her chest.

"Raven!"

Placing a hand on her cold pale face and another on her shoulder, I started to shake her awake. She bolted upright almost hitting me in the face. She was up but her eyes were dazed - crazed like she was still living her nightmare.

"Raven... Raven... it's just a dream. It's not real." Her shirt was so soaked it seeped through my shirt as I held her to me. "It's over. It will be ok." I grasped for words that could make her calm down, repeating it over and over again. Reassure her.

I'm all out of words here.

What more do I say?

What can I say?

Raven's shaking slowly stopped and she turned to face me like a scared wounded animal. The misery I saw reflected in her eyes choked me.

Her soft curls were plastered on her face–like she was just fresh out of the shower, except she was not. She was neither feeling refreshed nor relaxed. Her chest was heaving at the effort of fighting a phantom menace.

I rummaged through the drawer for something she could wear and a towel wipe her with. "Let's get you out of those wet clothes. Here."

I left her towel and dry shirt on the bed and made a quick trip downstairs to get a glass of water. Returning, I found her just sitting there unmoving, her body still soaked with perspiration that clung to her clothes. She was starting to shiver.

Putting the glass down, I took the towel, wiped her forehead and dried her hair. "You'll catch a cold like this."

I unbuttoned Raven's shirt and was about to get it off her when she stopped me. "You needed dry clothes. Either you let me help you or you could do it yourself." Raven let go of my hand allowing me to undress her.

I stopped myself from gasping at the scars on her body. A long angry scar started from the third bottom rib then disappeared behind her back. Another one below her right clavicle and two more on her right back. I traced every scar as I wiped her naked body down. I hadn't seen the scars before.

"It's hideous, right?"

I shook my head no.

Raven laughed, "I have seen pictures of it as I laid in the hospital half-dead."

"The scars don't make you, you. Nor does it define you, Raven."

"Liar."

She grabbed me by the shoulders and pinned me against the bed.

"Liars and cheats like you who used me and my brother should be punished... He–uh, he loved her so much but she stabbed him in the back."

Her?

"And you... why did you do it? Why would you do something like that? You crippled our company... my, my brother... do you have any idea of the extent of the damage you have caused?"

What I did was never meant to be a direct attack on you nor your family.

"You didn't know... she was crying every night... no one could console her... she'll forget for a moment then cry... she would cry..." She was breathing and crying harder after her rant.

She?

Of all the things I did last year, I regretted none. All but one, that would only be inadvertently hurting this crying Raven.

"I'm so sorry."

I pulled her to me and hugged her tight, profusely apologizing. Trying to soothe her, I ran a hand on the skin of her back and another tangled in her short soft curls.

"You're making yourself ill, Raven."

"Thought you were an angel the first time I saw you..."

"The first time? You remember?"

She remained quiet and did not answer.

"Raven?" She moved away from me and curled up on her side.

"They should be punished. I'll make sure they pay for what they did to us, hurting us. I'll make them pay. I'll make them pay."

Even when she wouldn't want me to... even when she hated me, I wanted to hold her. Hug her. Give her comfort even it was the last thing she'd want from me.

* * *

RAVEN

The intense pain and sense of betrayal I felt when the floodgates of my memory before and during the accident opened made me lose my mind. It was too much that I lashed out again but thankfully did not end up hurting anyone.

There are still pieces of my memory that I couldn't place. Faces were vague and situations leading to the way things unfolded were not clear. However, one thing is sure that woman caused all of this.

Had I been by my brother's side, I could have been there to help him.

"I could have helped him... we were all that each other have... I should have had his back... I should have..."

"You're here now. You can be by his side. But if you don't get yourself together, there'd be nothing you can do to help him."

I just cried as Miranda held me. Everything came crashing down on me all at once. And now, whether I liked it or not she was my anchor.

"Help yourself, Raven. Don't fall apart now."

How dare she act as if she cared for whatever happens to me and my brother? A two-faced liar who cared nothing more than money, I could not take her duplicity.

I gripped her by arms and not caring if I was hurting her. "You won't fool me."

She was struggling against my hold and I could see the bruises on her starting to form. But I did not let up. "Believe me or not, Raven, but when I did what I did, it was never to hurt you or your brother. It was never my intention to."

I shook her hard and I can feel my nails digging into her skin. "Imagine what you could have done if you intended to. You destroyed my family. You don't get to escape by talking your way out."

Her hands rose to my face and wiped away the tears I didn't know kept falling. "I'm sorry."

Sorry?

"What good would that do?"

My head slowly rose and I got into her face, "your apologies mean nothing for the dead and it sure as hell meant nothing to me."

She said, "I know."

You don't.

"You'll never be truly sorry until I make you."

There was so much sadness in her eyes. I don't know if it was meant for me or for her because of what I have intended to do to her. But there was no fear reflected there.

Soon, she will know it.

Our lips were only inches apart. I didn't know who moved first but when our eyes locked it was only seconds before our lips did too. Not caring if I was being too rough, I held her by the nape and face to keep her in place and not withdraw from me.

Not until I say so.

I bit on her lip and tasted her blood then pushed her away. "I'd make every moment of your life a living hell."