numb // malec

life

wednesday, 29th september, 00:27:
magnus:

i make alec his sandwiches. i stand in the kitchen for a while, thinking of him.
he's very beautiful. he has this gorgeous shiny black hair, with a fringe that's in his eyes a bit. he's very tall, almost as tall as me, and very thin too. but lean. like he works out, but doesn't need to because he doesn't put on weight.

i think the most remarkable thing is probably his eyes. they're blue. but not just any blue; they seem to be made up of different shades of it. some are light, baby blue, some are sky blue, some ocean blue, some night-sky blue.
i realise i've been pondering too long, and walk back in to alec, sitting down and handing him his water and his cheese sandwiches.

"so tell me; why?"
he stops eating for a moment.
"what?"
"why do you do what you do?"
"i -it's a long story. it's not a happy one, either."
"well alexander my dear, i have had my fair share of sadness. i know what things are like. so tell me. it's ok. i understand."
he looks at me for a moment, as if he's taking in my face.
then the tears start.
what do i do? i have a beautiful, broken boy in my apartment who can't be much older than seventeen, and he's just started crying. is a hug too close?
i decide instead to clasp my hands around one of his, intertwining our fingers. he's so cold, the poor boy.

"why are your hands so cold?"
"i don't know. it's like- my mind has frozen. i can't do anything. everything's cold and dark, and i'm alone. i don't feel anything but sadness -i'm numb."

my eyes tear up even just hearing him say these things. he's shaking now, and struggling to breathe. i pull him in to a tight embrace, holding him in my arms with all the power i have.

"i'm alone, magnus. i'm alone. no one fucking cares about me. no one cares that i'm the way i am. my family kicked me out on the streets when i told them i was gay, and as a result i'm not allowed to contact my brothers or my sister ever again."

"they think i've brought this on myself," he continues, "they think that my sexuality is the cause of all my pain. but if they could see, if they could just fucking look, for one goddamn minute! i bet, when they get the news that seventeen-year-old alexander gideon lightwood has been found dead by his own hand, they'll fucking rejoice. they'll be so glad that i'm finally off the fucking planet."

my jaw drops. i'm staring to literally shake with tears. but i need to hold it together.
seventeen-year-old alexander gideon lightwood is NOT going to be found dead by his own hand.

not on my watch.