numb // malec

secrets

thursday, 30th september,
12:03:
magnus:

alec walks towards me.
"where's the-" i start.
but don't finish.

"alec, what the fuck is in your hand, and where did you find it?" i say, shaking.
it's them.
the things that beckoned me most when i was alone.

the things that made death seem like a fun, painless experiment.
a permanent one.
i am better now, and that's a fact. i keep that supply of them secret, in case it ever gets bad again.

"tell me this isn't true, magnus. look me in the eyes and tell me you don't take this. tell me the truth. tell me you're okay, because you're one of the only people that care about me. and i... i care too."
he takes a shakey breath and continues. "i'm not mad. at least, i won't be if you tell me the truth. the whole truth."

i look at him in shock. he seems so upset. why? why does he care so much?

why does he care so much about me?

"god, i can't remember the name. last time i used it was...ten? eleven months ago? possibly more. when i was extremely bad, i took this every night. it made me disassociate for a while. forget my existence. i've tried better ways since then. i went to intensive therapy twice a week for four months, and then once monthly after that. my therapist told me that i didn't have to come unless i was feeling extremely bad. i haven't been for three months now. i keep this as a last resort. if i can't get to therapy, then i have to take this."

alec considers what i've said for a moment. then, in a soft, quiet voice, he answers,"
it's ok. thank you for telling me. i wish you didn't have these though. i wish you trusted your mind enough."

"my mind wishes that too," i say, smiling sadly. i reach up and put my arms around alec's neck, breathing in his sweet, sleepy scent. alec grips my back, as if he's afraid i'm going to disappear into thin air.

thump.
"owwww kit why'd you move like that for-"
"yOUR ELBOW IS IN MY FACE PLEASE REMOVE-"
"no no no shhh alec and magnus are here!! -sorry about that."
"oh god ty help me please i have become one with the blanket!"
"wh-"
"i cAN'T MOVE MY DAMN LEGS- oh wait the blanket's gone now huh."

"you have me to thank for that," i drawl, alec arms looped around my neck.
kit gives a thumbs up and smiles.
"thanks cool dude magnus."
ty, who realised lying on the floor was unnecessary far before kit did, replied with a smile and a nod.

hey uhhh i'm really sorry about how long it's been since the last update but i promise check out 'it was just one night' tomorrow/saturday/sunday i gave a summary as to why my updates have been slow asf recently.
love as always,
xosarah