numb // malec

alone

wednesday, 29th september, 14:07:
alec:

for the first time since yesterday, i'm alone. all alone, in my apartment. i take a few deep breaths, and close my eyes. i'm not crying. i don't feel anything. i don't even feel sad or upset anymore. i'm just numb.

i need to feel pain, i decide. it's the only way i'm gonna make it through this day.
of course, there is another option, but i'm not sure i want to do it right now.
i don't want to do it?
i don't want to die right now?
it's the first time i've thought that in years.
i don't want to die right now.

is it because of magnus? has magnus really changed me that much in one day that i'm possibly starting to actually feel happiness?
fuck, it's so confusing. i don't know what to do.

i roll up my sleeves and look down at my arms. they're covered in scars. some cuts, some burns.

my skin is broken and scarred, just like me.

"alec?! i know you're in there. please open up!" a familiar voice yells.
it's jace.
but why is he here?

i do open the door, to find not only jace, but magnus and clary both standing there too. jace looks worried, clary looks frightened, and magnus looks...sad.
i don't know who to hug, so i throw my arms around all three of them. clary may think i don't like her, but i'm starting to really like her. she makes jace extremely happy, and that's all i care about.
i pull away, and the trio stay still. magnus seems to be staring at my still bare arms. i realise why. i open my arms and let him fall into them, looking over his shoulder to jace, who nods and leaves, with clary rubbing my shoulder before she goes too.

"alec, i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to run off like that, or make you angry, i didn't know-"
"hey hey hey, magnus. it's not your fault. don't worry. i did some wrong things too. i yelled at you in the middle of a street for gods sake."
"yeah but -with the way you are, i was worried you were gonna, you know, do something to yourself, and then i'd feel guilty cause it would be my fault and i just- i just want to protect you."

i hold him even tighter. "i already feel protected. and because of you, i think i'm gonna try."
"try what?"
"to live."
magnus pulls away from me slightly, but keeps his arms around me.
this time, i kiss him. and it's the most amazing feeling ever. all i'm feeling is happiness. i smile into the kiss.

magnus stops kissing and speaks. "what was that about? i thought you didn't, you know, want to date me or whatever. i thought you didn't even want to live."
i sigh.

"well, my dear magnus, you're making me want to."

an: i'm sorry about the delay in the update,,i just started back to school. i'm giving a heads up that because of school i won't be updating just as often.