Let Me Feel Again ~ Steve x Bucky

A Realization

Yo, I'm currently jammin' out and writing because I have great ideas! Let's just hope they convert well into writing. Enjoy!

TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSIVE AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!!

Bucky's POV

"You're worthless, James.
You're weak.
Your 'friends' only pity you.
They never cared
Nat doesn't care
Tony doesn't care
Sam doesn't care
...Steve doesnt care
You truly are alone in the world.
You are the monster the world thinks you are.
They fear you
You're a killer, James.
Who would ever love a killer?"

"Buck," someone whispered as they gently tried to shake me awake, "Bucky it's just a bad dream, it's not real. I'm here."

"Stay, you're better off here anyways.
Why return to a world that doesn't want you?"

I felt another gentle shake, "Bucky, wake up. Everything's alright."

Suddenly, I shot up with a gasp. Steve sat on the edge of my bed with a relieved expression on his face.

"I woke you up again, didn't I?" I muttered.

"Yeah, you did, but it's no big deal-"

"Christ, Steve! Of course it is! I wake you up every Goddamn night with my screaming! I make you worry every time I don't wake up! I'm fucked up and for some Goddamn reason you care enough to try and help! Why do you care? I'm worthless. I'm a killer Steve, how can you still love me, knowing I'm a killer?

"Bucky, I-"

I turned and looked him in the eye, a horrific realization dawning on me, and for the first time in almost a hundred years, I started to cry.

"Steve... I want to die. I want to die so bad it hurts..." I sobbed. I hadn't realized it before because, as the Winter Soldier, I had always kept my mind blank, I wasn't allowed to think about myself. Now that I was free to think for myself, every set of eyes I watched the life drain out of were suddenly watching me. I thought of the grief I caused to innocent people. I thought of everything I wasn't allowed to think of before, and it destroyed me.

I had never seen Steve so heartbroken in his life.

"Everything I feel seems fake. I can't laugh without doubting if it's real or not. I can't tell you how much living hurts... I hate myself so much. I think of all those people I killed so much it feels like they watch me. I feel eternally violated, like I can't ever be myself again. I did unforgivable things, Steve. I hurt so many people, and I never felt remorse for any of it. I remember every face, every plea for mercy, every stilled chest. I can't get it all out of my head. I want it out, Steve. I want it out..."

Steve didn't say anything, he just stared, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I choked, "I didn't mean to say any of this, you don't need to know what demons I deal with-"

Steve pulled me into his lap and hugged me, "No, I'm sorry," he murmured, "I'm sorry you felt like you needed to keep this to yourself. Please don't ever think I don't care, I care about you more than you know."

I didn't say anything else, I just clung to his shirt and cried.

••••••••••••••
"... thanks Nat, talk to you soon."

I opened my eyes to the sound of Steve's quiet voice and found myself draped across his chest. I tilted my head up to look at him.

"... Hey," Steve whispered as he gazed down at me.

"Hey," I responded almost silently, "look I'm sorry-"

"Don't. Don't start, you have nothing to be sorry for. You've been through the seven circles of hell so it's understandable and perfectly fine for you to break down, just as long as you build yourself back up...." He started. He tapped my forehead thoughtfully, "I don't understand what goes through your head, but I'm trying my best to be there for you and be the friend you need. So, don't ever apologize for needing to cry or talk. I will help you through it. And, hey, if you ever need a hug, just ask."

I just stared at him, how could I argue? The voice in my head may not agree that he's my friend, but my heart tells me he is. He cares about me, the voice is wrong.

"Alright, let's get dressed. Nat will be down in about fifteen minutes to cut your hair," Steve said as he stretched.

I gently pushed myself off of Steve and let him leave.

••••••••••••••
"Alright, Barnes. Come here, I'm ready!" Nat called from the kitchen.

I walked in and sat down on one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar, when Steve quickly walked in fully dressed in his Captain America suit.

"Hey, I know this is sudden, but they called me in for a liberation mission. One of the last Hydra bases kidnapped a transport of important equipment and some important people who work for Fury. Sam and I got it, so don't worry, we'll be back in about three days," he said quickly before hugging Nat and I and rushing out the door.

Nat must've noticed the scowl on my face because she rubbed my shoulder and sighed, "He'll be fine, it's Steve, what could go wrong?"

Okay, sorry for the shorter chapter, but I'm trying to make up for two months of being gone, lol.