and in the end, I'd do it all again [Moxiety]

Chapter 21 ~ Damaged Goods

The rest of the party is a blur.  Roman seems to be back to normal, weirdly enough.  I keep quiet, unable to look the others, even my boyfriend, in the eye.  The guilt sets in quickly.  How did I let that happen?  Why did Roman kiss me?  This must have been the problem the whole time.  Roman likes me.  He's jealous.  The thought seems so ridiculous, but why else would he act all weird about my relationship... and then kiss me randomly?  My stomach churns at the mere thought of what I've done.  Patton can never find out.  Roman wouldn't tell him....right?  No.  I try and relax and enjoy the party.  The guys are still playing Mario Kart, even Roman, laughing as if nothing happened.  I perch on the arm of the sofa, absentmindedly watching them play.  I feel sick, shaky, on the verge of blacking out.  My eyes start to wonder.  What the hell just happened?  I feel my face become paler, my palms sweat and my entire body begin to tremble.  Before I start to full on panic, I rush out of the room, up the stairs and into the bathroom.  I steady myself with my hand on the sink, breathing hard, slowly looking up to meet my own eyes in the mirror.  I can't even look at myself right now.  The disgust at myself spreads through me, it feels like cold hands sliding up my body, making me shiver, and wrapping themselves around my neck, making it harder to breathe.  I look back down at the sink, a few tears beginning to fall.  I want to scream.  But I can't do that.  Patton would ask questions.  I hate myself so much right now, even though I'm hardly the one to blame.  How dare Roman do this.  How dare he kiss me when he knows I'm in love.  How dare he toil with my relationship.  How dare he twist my wonderful romance into something dark, twisted and guilty.  I'm not to blame.  But somehow I feel I am. 
When I feel as if I can stand independently, I take a deep breath and back myself against a wall, sinking to the ground.   I look quickly at the bathroom door to check it's locked, and I wrap my arms around my legs that I've pulled to my chest, and began sobbing into my knees.  I'm quiet, so that the others don't hear me, but the pain in my chest pulls the sounds from the throat.  All I want in the moment is Patton's arms around me, telling me I'll be ok, but he can't know what happened.  He can't help me right now.  No one can.  The sickening feeling of helplessness creeps into my heart, making me cry harder.  I wipe the tears and lean my head back against the wall, breathing hard.  What am I going to do?
After a few minutes of calming down, I splash some cold water on my red face, and check my appearance as quickly as I can before heading back downstairs.  Patton, Roman and Logan have finished their games, and it looks like Roman and Logan are getting ready to leave.  I force a smile as I re-enter the room, still angry and confused.
"We'll see you guys soon, yeah, Virge?" Logan says, and Patton and I nod quickly.
"Yeah, we really need to do this more often" Roman says.  I can't look at him.  Patton laughs as he hugs Roman, as Logan gives me a goodbye hug.  When they switch, I purse my lips and look up at Roman for a split second.  He looks so smug, it makes me sick.  He pulls me into a hug.
"Have a good night, now" He whispers into my ear in the most condescending, fake tone I've ever heard.  I shiver and gasp slightly, feeling his smirk against my cheek before he pulls away from the one-sided hug that lasted way too long.

I close the door behind the two of them.  I'm mostly relieved that they're gone, but still on edge.  Myself and Patton immediately go to bed.

I'm awake long after Patton falls asleep.  I lay in his arms, very stressed out.  Our perfect love now seems like damaged goods, and I don't know how to handle it.  I can't believe that Roman had to go and ruin it.  I guess it really was too good to be true.