The Critique

Destined--rnanilasuta

Title: Destined

Author: rnanilasuta

Summary: Kai Aarōn, a skin-changer, is swept into a quest to defeat darkness and save Elavar the Greenforest. Approached out of the blue by Queen Sarra, Kai finds himself joining an alliance of men, elves, and dwarves. They march against the evil forces and when they reach darkness' doorstep, the wrath of the Black Dragon cannot be undone. The alliance is broken, and many good folks are slain or broken. Kai flees to the realm of men. Centuries pass and the Dark Lord is once more determined to rule Earth. The Dark Lord's puppet, President Klausner, asks Kai to find the fairest of all beings, the source of the Dark Lord’s everlasting power, and his bane. Camryn Lee, the girl Kai saved, is this power, this bane. Kai helps Camryn to escape, promising to escort her to the hidden refugee in exchange for a reward of gold. Their journey will take them into Elavar once more; through treacherous lands swarming with Goblins and Minotaur, deadly Dark Elves and Night Dweller, Cave Trolls and Dark Sorcerers. Although their goal lies to the West past the desolated forest, they must first defeat the great Serpent of Fire and the invincible Black Dragon. In this breath-taking adventure tale, Kai will be tested as never before, and one wrong decision could lead to horrifying consequences.

Review: Okay, before I get started, I’m just going to put it out there that I could be partially biased because I’m not a huge fan of fantasy.

So, first off, the summary was too long. It’s just constantly a list of all these mystical creatures and weird names and I couldn’t really get the essence of your story from it. I definitely suggest that you shorten it a bit and focus on the most important details.

I think you have great descriptions, but you have weak sentence structure. Vary your sentences a bit in order to eliminate the choppiness and cut off your descriptions in order to not make it seem like you’re just going on and on about this and that.

By chapter 2, I noticed that you lost a significant number of reads and votes. Honestly, I think the reason being is because there’s too much going on in every chapter. You are so descriptive and detailed that it overwhelms the reader. Maybe there could be another underlying reason behind it, but for me personally, not only was I turned off because this isn’t my genre of choice but also because it was just too much for me to take in.

You have a great talent. But I think you overuse it at times. Definitely work on the sentence structure and cutting some things out. I apologize for this lame critique; I’m trying to be as unbiased as possible and also help you develop your story better, but I could also be completely wrong because perhaps fantasy stories are meant to be structured a certain way or described very in depth.

But hopefully, I was able to give you some pointers.