The Critique

Shelter--ofsgucci

Title: Shelter

Author: ofsgucci

Summary: So literally filthy, so slender from being unfed. The way her oversized jacket lingers over her wrists like the moon still in the sky during the brightness of day. Why is she here, laying on a sheet of cardboard? Why is someone so pure looking not living in a home? Disregarding everything I know, I will help this young, beautiful girl who is living on the streets. "What might your name be?" "Maud, Maud Catalina Larson." "I'm Harry Styles, and it seems to me like you are in need of some shelter."

Review: Okay, just a forewarning for starters: I’m not a huge fan of fan fiction. Actually, let me put it this way, there are very few fan fiction stories that particularly impress me, mainly because I’m caught up in the original story and can’t get out of that box—especially if I’m a huge fan of the original book. So just a precaution, this could sound a bit biased. However, I tried really hard to be neutral so I hope you can benefit from this critique.

Your main character is pitiful. She is poor and hungry. I understand that. So, I think you should lay off with some of the obvious things. When you keep reemphasizing how poor she is and what she has to do to get a cup of coffee, it kind of turns me off because then I feel like you’re trying to force me to be sympathetic. You already did a great job initially by making me feel pity for her, but don’t overdo the emotions.

You have excellent dialogue. It’s natural and flows very well. I also could vividly picture the descriptions that you provided. I think you could use a bit of touch-up with grammar but then again, everyone always could use a bit of improvement in that area.

The last thing I want to discuss is your setting development along with plot. You do an amazing job of describing characters and what they’re like and what they’re doing. But there’s not much that is going on actually at the scene. Describe the environment they are in so that the reader can utilize his/her senses to feel 100% of the emotions that your characters feel. Keep the plot moving and don’t linger too much on the characters. You’re building up a tale, not a person.

Overall, it actually didn’t seem too much like a fan fiction to me. Besides the fact that you incorporated One Direction, it seemed to me that you could pass this for an original story. I wasn’t particularly impressed by this story as a fan fiction—it wasn’t a juicy, creative, piece that I would’ve enjoyed immensely but I have to applaud you for your use of natural dialogue and vivid descriptions.