The Dark Knight Of The Soul

Chapter Four

I heard the car tyres crunching over the gravel drive. Harrison was home, the car door slammed shut as he walked to the front door, my heart sank. He was home.
Paint a smile on your face girl, he's home. Don't say anything that will upset him and life will be good.
"Hi Honey!" I called out cheerfully from the kitchen, I had already filled the kettle and had his cup ready as he walked through the door. "Good day?" I smiled.
He glanced up to acknowledge me then looked away. Not a single muscle on his face moved. Which meant something was bothering him?
When was there ever a time when nothing bothered him!
"What's for dinner?" he said firmly.
"Chicken casserole, your favourite." I replied.
"Ugh I've gone off that shit," he answered swiftly, his tone laced with contempt. "For fucks sake woman, I tell you I like something, and you make it every week! You've fucking killed the taste now."
My head was spinning now, totally confused I stared blankly at the stove as my mind raced back to when I previously made this dinner?
Last Monday it was steak, Tuesday we had Indian take away, Wednesday was spaghetti and meatballs, Thursday we had spicy chicken, Friday was chilli, Saturday he was out so I didn't cook anything, Sunday was roast, yesterday was fish. It definitely wasn't last week. The week before, on Monday it was...
Harrison interrupted my thoughts as the kitchen door flung open and he pushed me aside to open the oven door, he lifted the casserole out of the oven, took off the lid. He pulled the cutlery drawer open and it slammed against my stomach as it came out half way, "Fucking move then!" he snapped. I stepped back and he grabbed a spoon to stir the casserole, he stirred it quickly, the contents spilled over into the hob as he tasted the dish. I watched his lips purse forward and then blow onto the steaming food that sat on the spoon. He put the spoon in his mouth and chewed the contents for a minute, his nose wrinkled up with disgust before announcing, "Tastes shit... Not enough salt in it." His face scowled as he grabbed the salt pot and shook it into the food, he then added pepper and some mixed herbs, stirred the food and tasted it again. "Now it's edible," he replied, "Jeez, you're fucking useless. I have to do everything around here." Putting the lid back on the pot and placing it back in the oven. "How long is it gonna be?"
"Ten minutes." I replied calmly, even though I felt completely demoralised by his cutting remark. Everything I do is never good enough! "Coffee?" I asked.
I've got to calm him down.
"Do I have to ask!" He grunted. I have to read his mind as well as everything else he expects me to do? Men are so difficult! I smiled handing him a mug which he took from my hand and sauntered into the lounge, I could hear him slump his body down onto the chair and the sound from the television overtook any slight sounds in the house. I turned the vegetables on to boil in the pans and gazed out the kitchen window. A squirrel quickly darted across the bottom of the garden and up the apple tree. I smiled as I watched him scurrying away to safety, in the tree.
Lucky squirrel.
I brought my thoughts back to the kitchen and started to dish up dinner. My hands trembled as I ladled the food onto the plate. Harrison scowled like a wolf, his top lip turned up, which caught my peripheral vision in the corner of my eye as I sat down. The atmosphere was tense now, I banished any urge to talk as I was terrified I would say the wrong thing and he would just fly into a rage, he was certainly psyched up for an outburst. Thankfully we ate dinner in silence.
I cleaned up the dinner table and set the dishwasher. Harrison sat at the table, his hands pressed together in a steeple and he watched me cautiously. I felt a wave of dread wash over me, something was about to erupt.
"What did you do today?" he enquired, his voice was stern and icy.
"Nothing," I replied. "I've been home all day, why?" I could feel my heartbeat quicken, a wave of nausea settled in my stomach and I my palms started to get hot and sweaty.
"So, you sat at home and did nothing," his tone was patronising.
"Well I wouldn't say nothing exactly. I mean I clean up, wash clothes and iron on most days."
"Who was here?!" he interrupted bluntly, his tone was laced with anger. I paused for a moment and as I was getting more anxious by the minute, I shook my head blankly, I couldn't remember what I did an hour ago as I was so overwhelmed with panic. My head was shaking side to side as I tried to evaluate everything all at once. Harrison never gave me a chance to respond before declaring me as a liar. "Stop fucking lying to me!" he slammed his fist on the table and pushed his body up and leant forward over me. "WHO WAS HERE IN MY HOUSE?!" he bellowed, his face contorted in rage. I was taken aback at his violent outburst, my heart started thumping like a drum.
"Erm... It was... Oh yes, it was the two women from the mental health service," I finally spoke, my voice shaking with fear. "I... I forgot they called this morning."
Harrison sat back down, the anger was still pouring out of every pore in his body, his eyes narrowed, and I saw disgust in his eyes. He nodded, and I waited for what was going to happen next.
My mind raced like a speed train as I thought about what he was going to ask next, what my response was going to be!  Strangely, he rose from his seat and went off to the lounge, I heard Harrison turn the television over to a sports channel. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I forgot about Ellie and Julia calling today, what disturbed me more was how he knew someone was here? How did he always know when I left the house? Why was he always trying to make me out to be the liar? After I turned on the dishwasher I popped my head around the lounge door and said "I'm just going to have a bath." Harrison didn't even look at me.
I poured some bath liquid into the bath as the water ran, bubbles multiplied, and I watched as the soapy suds climbed into a small mountain. I moved the mountain of bubbles along the bath and tested the water. I climbed in and tried to relax in the warm water. My body ached. My head was heavy and thick. I needed some sleep. I hadn't slept properly for the past nine months, I found that I was more cat napping. Snatching an hour or two during the day. I tried everything to help myself to relax. The anti-depressants that the doctor gave me weren't having much effect, I still felt helpless, hopeless. I tried to calm my frayed nerves as I submerged my body in the water. I felt frightened to think about anything anymore, even my thoughts were dominated by Harrison. Why is he acting so controlling again. After my bath I went downstairs and watched the evening TV with Harrison.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier, I've had a really shit day. I shouldn't take it out on you like that. I'm really sorry," he spoke in a monotonous tone, I looked up at him and he gave me a tight-lipped smile. "You're a good woman Jen. You're my rock! I don't know what I'd do without you."
I was taken aback? Did he really hear my thoughts in the bath? Does he know something I don't? I was puzzled at his admission but accepted his apology. "It's fine," I replied gently. "What's on TV tonight?" I asked, changing the subject and trying to lighten the mood.
"New drama, you'll love this, it's one of those murder mystery storylines!"
We both settled to watch the TV, the air of tension had now dissipated, and the remainder of the evening was calm. The drama on the TV finished at 10:30pm, Harrison went to have a cigarette and returned to the lounge. As he sat in his seat he asked, "What would you do if I had killed someone Jenny?" His eyes looked devoid of any emotion. I was puzzled as to why he would ask such a question.
"Why would you kill someone?"
He rolled his eyes and then snapped, "Don't answer a question with a question. Just answer the question?"
I knew he was referring to the mother who was a serial killer in the TV drama, but I was lost as to why he wanted to start a conversation about it. "I don't know?" I answered, completely perplexed.
I could feel him staring at me and then he stated, "I wish your pills would start working. It's depressing coming home to you." He tutted as he tossed the TV remote on the side table. "Don't look like you're shocked!" he snarled. "It's hard living with a depressant. You're always moping around the house wanting me to feel sorry for you!"
Was I that bad? I tried not to let my mood affect him? I was on edge, but I tried hard to maintain a jovial outlook. The conversation took a drastic turn from his original question. I was really confused now.
"You cook a shit dinner, you go off and have a bath, totally ignoring me and then, you don't speak all night. It's like living in fucking hell." He scorned, pacing about the lounge floor. "Well?... SPEAK THEN!" He yelled.
I flinched at the tone of his voice. I thought everything was resolved before we watched the drama? My heart started pumping faster. I knew that this wasn't going to get easier, he was in a bad mood because I didn't give him attention while he was watching sports. Now I've got to sit and take the backlash because I took a bath to remove myself from the tense atmosphere, which I thought would diffuse his anger? He apologised for his outburst at dinner then we sat and enjoyed the new drama, or so I thought? Fuck, I've only gone and made it worse! "I apologise for not talking to you." I replied, hoping my sarcasm was lost in the midst of his outburst.
"Don't patronise me you bitch." He slurred, the venom off his tone was chilling.
"I wasn't patronizing you." I mumbled quickly, fear gripped me and I felt totally out of my depth now. I felt totally confused and lost. I wasn't sure if he was doing this because he wanted to create a fight or if it was because he actually hated me? I knew from experience that arguing with him, escalated his anger, and I would be subjected to something physical. If I reacted, and screamed back, I was participating in the tension. Besides, I hadn't had any alcohol, which usually gave me the courage to stand up for myself. "Why are you being so mean to me today?"
He repeated my words mockingly. "Why are you being mean today?" His jaw clenched as he replied nasally. "There you go again. It's all about you. Poor you." He answered in a condescending tone. "You cook a shit dinner so I have to take over and finish the meal properly. You think I'm fucking stupid. It's all an act for sympathy and pity."
His words sliced right through me. It was a common response to his outbursts and as insulted as I felt, I couldn't help but feel insecure. Maybe I was moping around, only I wouldn't be able to notice if I was. I felt powerless and I didn't have a valid answer. After all, he did have to add seasoning to the dinner.
"You said you had a bad day?"
"Yeah, and I wasn't expecting to be ignored for it!" His top lip curled up in contempt.
My head was spinning now. I didn't know the beginning from the end, only the middle, which was more confusing than ever. The evening's events were a minefield and I couldn't quite grasp his sudden change of mood again. "I don't feel like talking." I finally replied. Harrison looked at me with deep disgust, I felt humiliated in that instant. "Get a fucking grip woman, or I'll find someone else who can manage to make a simple dinner." He turned on his heel and walked off to bed. I sat there on the sofa in total shock and disbelief. Am I that bad? He apologised for his outburst, but he wasn't clear in what his apology was for. He didn't outright state he was sorry about dinner? Or did he? I remained downstairs for a short while, trying to gather my thoughts I cleaned up the lounge and turned everything off.

I crept quietly into the bedroom and gently climbed into bed. I lay on my side, facing the window with my back to Harrison. I could hear him breathing and hoped he was asleep. My eyes ached, and I wanted to fall to sleep so badly, but fear held me back.
Harrison ran his hand over my hip and into my pyjama bottoms. His hand slid beneath the elastic waist and snaked its way further down. I pulled his hand back up and gently lifted it back over my hip and out from beneath the covers, onto the quilt. He then kissed the back of my neck and his hand came back in beneath the covers and into my pyjamas bottoms again, sliding down towards my thigh, I quickly pulled his hand back up again and said "No." sleepily. Although my mind was now wide awake, and I was on high alert. I heard him sigh and could feel the air from his nostrils as he gave a loud, snort. It reminded me of a bull, scratching his hooves as the red cape was waved in front of him. The room was silent, yet I could feel the icy glare of Harrison staring at the back of my head.
The whole evening was all about getting sex!
He tried again, this time his hand went up my top and his approach was firmer. He groped at my breast. I quickly pulled his hand out and said "Not tonight. I'm really tired." I spoke as groggily as I could as I pulled the quilt up higher and curled the edge of the duvet beneath my chin. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried really hard to be falling asleep. When really, I felt like I had just had three double espressos and was on my guard, I was hyper alert!
Harrison slammed his head against his pillow hard and I felt my head move up and down from the force of his. He then broke the silence. "You seeing someone else?" He asked, his tone of voice was sharp and cold.
"No!" my eyes flung open in shock.
"Don't lie." He snapped back quickly. "You don't talk to me, you always push me away. You've got to be seeing someone else. There's no other explanation for it!"
"I'm not lying." I replied.
"Yes you are."
I felt angry but pushed my anger down and replied as calmly as I could. "Harrison. I am not seeing anybody. I am married to you and I take my vows of fidelity seriously. Why would you accuse me of that?"
"Well you must be handling someone else's dick 'cause you're not handling mine!" The bitterness to his voice was palpable. His voice then became stern and authoritative. "Turn round and face me when I'm talking to you!" He snapped viciously, "you're so fucking ignorant."
The tone to his voice made my heart start racing. I did as I was told and turned around. My face felt rigid and tense and my eyes were ablaze with fear. I don't know what I was more afraid of. The anger in his face or the anger of his unpredictable reaction. It was like looking at a Rottweiler about to pounce on his prey. His face was contorted and stiff. Oh god please help me!
I knew in my heart how the evening would end. But I kept trying to defend myself, my body was all I had, it was all that I knew I had control of. So I thought?
"What do you do all day? Frigg yourself." The venom to his voice was soul destroying. His face rigid and stiff as his eyes blazed with indignant fury. I shook my head. I couldn't manage to speak as I was terrified I was going to say the wrong thing.
How dare I say no? Who the hell do I think I am refusing Mr Perfect?
My heart was racing; I could feel a surge of adrenaline coursing through my veins as I tried so desperately to keep calm.
"WELL," he snapped again. Demanding an answer.
I was panicking now. I didn't know which way to answer. Any answer I gave was going to be wrong.
"I clean the house, I cook a meal."
He threw his head back and started laughing. His eyes widened in shock, "You clean the house. Well that takes about half an hour and the dinners you cook are thrown together. So that's about another ten minutes of your day. So you spend the rest of your day watching telly and getting yourself off with your sex toys."
Here we go again!
I felt disgusted with myself as he continued to rage at me, my stomach knotted and nausea washed over me.
"You're turning into your mother." He sneered, "And we all know what a fuck up she turned out to be!"
His words struck so hard that it felt like I had been attacked with a knife. I could feel my soul starting to bleed as I felt the sting of tears bulging behind my eyes. The only crime my mother committed was loving a man who refused to love her back. I told myself to stay strong because tears were weakness in his eyes.
He lay on his back with his arm behind his head. He appeared more relaxed, which seemed odd considering he was so angry just seconds ago. I took this as an opportunity to visit the bathroom, in the vain hope he would calm down.
I closed the bathroom door behind myself and sat on the toilet. I took deep breathe expanding my stomach and holding my breath for a count of four. I took another deep breath and as I was holding my breath in, Harrison burst into the bathroom. I pushed out my breath quickly in a rapid spluttering gasp and my heart raced even faster.
He looked at me and frowned, curling his top lip in contempt. "You think you're so perfect." he said as I stood up and wiped myself, flushing the toilet.
I pulled up my pyjama bottoms and before I could completely redress myself, Harrison grabbed me by my forearm and pulled me out of his way, then shoved me forcefully through the door. My shoulder grazed against the edge of the doorframe. I climbed back into bed and pulled the covers over my tired body. Harrison returned from the bathroom and yanked the quilt back forcefully, taking the covers off my body. I flinched in response and went to pull the covers back up. He climbed into the bed and pulled the quilt over himself. I went to pull the covers over myself as I sat upright, he swiftly pushed me off the bed forcefully.
I was torn between standing up for myself and running away. I was truly dumbstruck; my reality was that neither choice was going to be successful.
If I walk away, he's going to follow after me and continue the firing of his verbal bullets. If I try to get back into bed and say nothing, he's going to do it again and again. Shit. Which way do I go? I tried the calmer approach.
"Why did you push me off the bed?" I spoke gently, even though I was trembling from head to foot with fear.
"Why did you push me off the bed," he mocked in a high pitched condescending voice. His lower lip curled downwards. "'Cause you're a pathetic little slag," he said through gritted teeth. "Ooh look at you. Your now gonna start faking your tears to try and make me look like the bad one."
I was a quivering wreck. I wanted to stand up and scream and shout at him. How could you be so spiteful and nasty All I did was say no?
I was still sitting on the floor and I pulled my knees up to my chest, a futile attempt as I was subconsciously trying to protect myself. Harrison got on all fours on the bed and hovered above be, his eyes resembled a black abyss. Empty and dark, I felt uneasy as I looked at him and tried hard to look down at my knees. I know you shouldn't take your eyes off the enemy, but I couldn't bare to look into them any further. It sent chills down my spine. I have to try to calm him down.
"Oi, whore. Look at me when I'm talking to you." He said with quiet fury. "You still haven't answered my question."
I looked at him, as he ordered me to and tried very hard to keep my focus. I was terrified of what he would do next. So I tried to answer in the only way I knew that would make him stop. "I don't do anything all day. I'm useless at everything Harrison. But I promise to try harder tomorrow. I'm not seeing anyone I promise. You're all I want." I replied, praying to god that I my lies were convincing.
"You're lying," he snarled.
"No, it's true." I panicked.
His demeanour relaxed slightly, but he was still very tense. He moved from resting on all four of his limbs and sat back on his knees. "So why you being frigid?" His tone was still sharp.
"I wasn't. I was tired."
"Fucki-"
"But I'm not tired now," I interrupted. This changed the whole atmosphere instantly. I felt a tear drop fall from my eye and Harrison lifted my face up to look at his. He scanned my face intently, like an alien looking at a human being and there was an inquisitive searching in his eyes, like I was being analysed for the first time.  I quickly wiped the tear away and forced a tight smiIe. I was terrified, and prayed that I gave a convincing look, yet I felt overwhelmed with fear. His face examined mine again and I was unsure now of what he was going to do. Could he see how petrified I was, could he smell the fear I was emitting? Could he even see the sheer fright of my soul through my eyes?
"I hate to see you cry babe," he replied, gently wiping the tear away as it trickled down my face. The Harrison I knew had retuned, the harsh expression replaced with a more gentler, relaxed demeanour. "Everybody has fights Jen. It's the kiss and make-up bit that bonds us together again." He replied, his tone was lowered, and he sat back pulling the covers open to beckon me in. I had no choice now. I had to offer what he wanted. Or continue with this ambush. My body was aching for sleep. My mind was shattered from the events of the whole evening, and my emotions were smashed to pieces. My heart was bleeding and I had no other option but to submit to his demands.
His face brightened up, his mouth smirked, and I felt totally demoralised. I was nothing more than an object. A slave to his desires, which I felt I had no escape from!
Whatever I did to him in a past life was the punishment I was taking for this now. It was my karma and I had to fulfil it, I told myself. I stood up and started removing my pyjamas. I faked a smile, as I climbed into the cold bed. He started kissing me, his tongue was darting into my mouth like a lizard, I tried reciprocating for a few seconds until his mouth gravitated along my neck and across my breasts. He moaned, and I tried hard to keep my emotions closed. I was desperate to break down in tears, but I couldn't. I was half frozen from terror and half ashamed of myself, ashamed I was denying myself any rights to my body and obeying his demands. I stared at the ceiling as he entered me, I tried desperately to engage in the act with him but I was struggling. Consumed with self-hatred and despising myself.
Just count. I recalled an article I read somewhere that if he hasn't ejaculated after 200 thrusts he's not very competent. After 39 thrusts he's moved my body into the spooning position. I was more relieved as at least then I didn't have to look at him. I could imagine Mr Handsome which helped me to fake everything he was doing. 43. 44. 45. Ouch. He was really starting to hurt now. My insides felt like they were burning. I let out a yelp, and then bit down on the pillow.
"Yeah, you fucking love it." he replied as his thrusting became more rough and fast. His breathing was starting to get laboured and I tried really hard with my counting, but the pain was searing through me. 87, he's slowing down. Ouch. 88, oh please God let this be over. 89, He gasped in my ear as his body flopped over on me.
"I love you Jen. You're my rock you are," he spoke softly. "Did you come?" He asked. Nonplussed.
"I think it's the anti-depressants. They have that as a side effect. I'm also desperate for the toilet," I lied and quickly loosened myself from his vice grip. "Need to go to the bathroom." I replied grabbing my pyjama bottoms and pulling them on quickly. I grabbed my top and quickly hurried to the bathroom. I pulled my pyjama bottoms down and sat on the seat. I didn't need the toilet I just wanted to get the seed of him, out of me. I thought of waterfalls and rain really hard until my body finally responded, and a trickle came out. I wiped myself three times hoping it had all come out. I redressed myself and gripped onto the sink basin. The cold porcelain was a welcome touch for my senses. I took several deep breathes and hoped Harrison was tired from his exertion, so I could sleep. As I stepped back into the bedroom my heart sank. He was wide awake and smiling.
"Alright babe?" He answered cheerily.
I nodded my head and gingerly climbed into bed. As I lay my tired aching body down he chipped. "You can fuss me you know."
I did as I was told, I gently stroked my fingers along his shoulder, over his back, the prickles from where he shaves were sharp against my fingertips.
"My back needs shaving don't it?" he said. "You can help me shave it tomorrow!"
As if I wasn't insulted enough.
Within minutes he was asleep, I could see the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing relaxed and he started to snore. I moved myself away and turned my back to him, looking at the clock on the bedside. It was 2:30am and I was wide awake now. I closed my eyes but I wasn't going to get much sleep, and my whole being desperately needed it.
I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer.
'Please God. If you can hear me, could you please give me cancer or a brain tumour? I really don't like this world. It sucks. I'm too scared to take my own life as it might go wrong and then my troubles will get worse. Better still. Can you stop my breath in the night and take me back home? I want to come home now. I beg of you to forgive me of what I did to this man. Please. I beg for your forgiveness.'
Darkness was starting to fall over me, and I fell into a deep sleep.

I heard the cries of a small child in the distance. I walked out into the darkness again. The branches on the trees resembled a muddy brown and the traces of the autumn leaves were sparse. I could see a light far in the distance, beyond the forest. It was faint and the cold wind blew against my face. Signifying the winter chill that was fast approaching. I pulled my coat tighter around my body and moved quickly towards the dim light. A large oak tree came into view and as I approached, the ground started to rise. How strange that there were steps next to the roots of the tree. I wasn't sure if I wanted to walk down the steps and considered changing my direction to the east. I heard the small, young voice call my name. I didn't hesitate anymore and eagerly made my journey down the steps. She called my name again and this time I hurried to locate her.
As I took each step, the light from the night sky started to lower and darkness was all around. I felt scared but compelled to find this small voice. If I was scared, this small child must be terrified.
As the steps finally stopped, I had no idea where I was to go. There was a mist surrounding me everywhere I turned. "Hello, sweetie I need you to call me I can't find you."
"I'm here. I've always been here," she called out.
"Where," I called again, although I could sense she was very close by. A thick fog was blinding any view I had.
"I'm stuck. I can see you but I can't move. I'm stuck over here." She cried out.
"Where," I replied, I was starting to feel anxious now.
"I'm where you left me," she answered.
"I've been trying to find you for so long. I can't remember where I left you. I'm a big person and I don't remember. Can you help me remember where I left you?"
I stepped forward and tripped over a large rock. I fell to the floor and saw two little feet, and the dark hue of red shoes. I found the little girl and reached out my hand to touch her foot. She dropped down and helped me up from the floor. Her eyes wide with fright she said. "He was mean," she quickly flung her arms around my neck. In that moment I was transported back to my childhood. I was sitting on top of the stairs as I listened to my father yelling at my mother. I covered my ears and closed my eyes as I heard my father's last words. "Well I never wanted them. That was your evil trick to make me marry you." My mother was pleading with him as he grabbed his suitcase from the bottom of the hallway. "Don't ever contact me again. I never want to hear from you again you blood sucking leech!"
The door slammed shut and my mother fell to a heap on the floor.

I instantly woke up and wiped away the tears that had fallen during my sleep. I'd seen myself as a child and I've left her again. I looked over to my left and saw Harrison fast asleep, his mouth open and the loud snore escaped with each breathe he took. My heart slowed back down and I wanted to return back to sleep to reassure my younger self that I was always going to here. But the sound of Harrison's snore kept me awake. I looked at the clock, it was four thirty five. I gave up trying to get any sleep and got out of bed and went downstairs.
I pondered with my thoughts, I felt so useless, so insignificant. My life is a car crash, and I'm the willing victim, waiting to be rescued. Who's going to rescue me! I wait every day for something to change, something to make this pain go away. Its agony, I've been feeling so numb for so long that I'm struggling to cope anymore. It's overwhelming; I'm drowning in my tears and barely treading water from it all. Maybe I should just give up fighting and let go. Maybe that's what all these tears I shed and the sadness are really leading me to. Death! Is that concept such a bad thing?
It's an escape. It's an ending. It's freedom.
All this time I've been waiting for god's help. For him to send me the very person who would hold my hand and lead me out from hell!
It never occurred to me that I needed to rescue myself!