The Dark Knight Of The Soul

Chapter Five

I sat by the window, waiting for Ellie. She was calling by to talk to me about what things I wanted to achieve. I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted, just that I wanted to be rid of this crippling anxiety. I was a little nervous about it all. I wondered if she would be able to help with my nightmares too. A blue Citroen car pulled up on the road, I peered through the window and saw it was Ellie. She had her hair tied up in a ponytail and her fringe was quiffed back. She reached over to the passenger side and grabbed her bag, before stepping out of her car and locking it with her key. I got up to answer the door as she walked up the pathway.
"Hello Jenny," she smiled, there was a brightness in her eyes that was contagious.
"Hello," I said nervously. She smiled at me as I ushered her into the house. "How have you been," she asked politely.
"Ok," I answered flippantly, although I wasn't completely honest, I felt too ashamed to burden her with my depressive life. I offered her a drink but she kindly refused. We both sat down on the sofa in the lounge and she faced me to talk to me. The purpose of the visit was getting to know my named care coordinator. Ellie was assigned to me, which I was totally relieved about. I felt like I could talk to her. She reached into her bag and pulled out a note book, she smiled at me and spoke quietly, her tone was soft, I could feel her compassion, without her saying a word. It was welcoming yet frightening in equal measure.
I was feeling more and more relaxed by the second. I was worried about being judged but this is different, she really wasn't judging me.
"I'm here to support you to achieve well-being." Her voice softened again. "I will hold your hand along the way, metaphorically that is. But basically, you have to take some steps yourself. This is your journey Jenny. It's unique to you, and it may get difficult, or painful. Sometimes things may feel like they're getting worse, and therapy is like that. But hang in there, because when that happens, a breakthrough is very close by. So please understand that I'll always be right beside you."
I appreciated her words, she meant the going might get tough. The sincerity in her voice, her tone, was enough. It was more than I'd ever had if I was honest. I nodded gently, my eyes dropped to the floor as I absorbed her words, then I looked up at her and took a deep breath and sighed. "Thank you. I'm kind of expecting things to hurt a bit." Ellie looked at me with a knowing stare. It felt like she knew what I was up against but somehow powerless to say. She gently broke the brief silence.
"So, what I need to do is go set some goals with you. I know you've had a difficult time, and the purpose of the visit today is for your benefit. With goal setting, it means something you want to work towards, and from that, we can develop a plan to help you achieve it. Ok," she asked. I nodded and waited for her to direct the conversation. "First of all Jenny, what do you want."
"I want to get past this anxiety I have." I replied, wasn't this obvious. She nodded and wrote down 'anxiety' on her note pad. She never tried to hide anything from me, which I found comforting.
"You want to overcome anxiety. I know it's going to sound like an odd question, but what is anxiety stopping you from doing?"
It was an odd question and I thought the answer was obvious. However, I followed her lead, after all she was the clinician and she knew what she was doing. I ruminated on my thoughts for a moment and said, "Well it's crippling my life. I'm really struggling to go out of my house, even though it's not exactly a place of peace. When I do go out, I get panic attacks and my heart feels like it's going to explode. I want to be able to go back out again, to get back to work is one priority I have. I used to be a really sociable person before, but I can't even manage to visit my friends anymore. My social life has vanished! I've now resorted to on line shopping as it's really difficult to go shopping." I blurted out, my voice started to panic as I talked to her, she nodded knowingly as I spoke. She jotted down 'socialising'. "I also have to double check everything. If I leave the house I go around the house and check I have locked it. I do this two to three times."
"Is it only when you leave the house?"
"Yes. I'm really paranoid about it. Last week I checked everything and when I came back home, I left a small window open in the utility room. When this happens my checking increases. Which is why it's now three house checks, before leaving."
Ellie nodded as I talked about myself. "You mentioned that this house is not a place of peace. Can you explain this a little bit more?"
Oh god, I don't want to tell her about Harrison, she'll think I'm pathetic. She won't understand what's really going on. She'll definitely change her opinion of me if I tell her that Harrison can get really nasty and abusive. Well he's not abusive that often, just occasionally. Mainly when he's drunk! Shit, how do I get round this? "Well you know, being depressed and anxious all the time, I'm not easy to live with?"
"Is your husband supportive of you?" she asked softly.
"Yes." I lied, I daren't look her in the eye when I answered. I started twisting my hands in my lap and quickly changed the subject. "I get these nightmares you see."
Ellie jotted 'nightmares' and work on her note pad. "What do you do when these nightmares happen?" she asked gently. I was relieved we had moved off the subject of Harrison, I was worried I might say something awful that I couldn't take back. "Well I wake up in a panic, and then I'm so alert and awake that I can't get back over to sleep. I've started to write them down, my nightmares. Sometimes they are a flashback to what happened, and other times they're totally unrelated?" I was wringing my hands even more now, I sensed that Ellie noticed my anxiety, as her voice lowered and softened even more.
"Ok, you also mentioned work?"
"I miss my job, but I'm too frightened to go back. Even though my job is unrelated to the event that seems to have crippled me. I don't feel strong enough to go back."
"What's your job?" she enquired, smiling tenderly.
"I'm a teacher. I teach history at secondary school," I felt sad as I spoke about my job. I missed teaching so much. I miss the teenagers, as stroppy as they were.
Ellie really listened as I started to relax, then she put down her pen and faced me. "Do you understand how anxiety works in your body?"
"Not really. I know that when it hits you, it totally takes over. I feel like I'm going to die. Once I fainted from the shock of the palpitations. I read up about it on the internet that post-traumatic stress disorder and panic attacks. It explained about engaging in nature and relaxation, but somehow I can't seem to relax that well!"
"Ok, well I've got some literature that explains this a little more; I'll talk you through it." Ellie reached into her bag and opened up a small booklet.
"Have a read when you get some free time!" I put the booklet aside, as she continued. "You mentioned checking things. What is it you check?"
"Doors, windows to be sure I have closed and locked them."
Ellie nodded and reached into her bag, she produced a small hand held notebook, "Okay, what I'm going to ask you is to pretend you're actually leaving the house, so I can observe what you do and devise a strategy to help with this. Is that okay?"
I nodded and stood up, I wasn't sure what Ellie needed to observe, but I was ready to try anything. I walked into the utility room first and pressed down the handle of the back door, I then pulled on the window handle, I walked into the kitchen, repeated the same steps, then I went into the dining room and checked all the windows and continued to the lounge, Ellie just followed behind me, watching everything I was doing. I went into the cloakroom last and then stopped in the hallway. "I do the same thing upstairs. I then go to get my bag and coat and re check everything a second time for added security and peace of mind."
Ellie nodded and we went back into the lounge. "I noticed in the utility room the security cameras around the house."
"Yes. Harrison is very security conscious and has both doors to the house monitored."
"Do you check the recordings when you've come back if things are out of place?"
"No, because there hasn't been any burglary or anything like that. Harrison believes I keep leaving the window open." As soon as I had replied I realised that this was a revelation that could provide me with proof of my sanity!
"Okay." Ellie sat down and wrote down all the rooms and doors in the house. She then started to create a chart beside the list. "What I've done here is made a list of all the doors and locks you check, what you can do is when you go through your checks, tick off each one that you've checked, this might help to manage the anxiety you feel when leaving and returning back home. And hopefully reduce the need to complete the checking tow or three times?"
"Of course, I never thought of trying something like that."
"Sometimes it just takes fresh eyes and a different perspective. You can always put a diagonal line in for the first check, and if you still need to recheck a second time, cross a line the opposite way into a cross." She smiled as she handed me the small note pad. "It can fit in your back pocket or handbag easily, too." She added as she gave me the booklet.
"Thank you, I'll definitely give this a try."
"We can always tweak it if we need to, but see how you get on with it and let me know next week. Ellie started to pack her diary and notebook away as I was absorbed in scanning the information booklet. She opened her diary and asked. "There's a relaxation group beginning next Monday, would you like to attend?"
"Yes, I would. But I'm not very confident in leaving the house or going somewhere new. What's the parking like at this place?" My heart started to race at the thought of going somewhere unknown.
"It's okay. I can come and collect you for the first couple of sessions, while we build your confidence up. You can try out your new chart!"
Relief washed over me instantly, I let out a sigh.
"I can call at about 10:30. Its starts at 11:00. Would you like to attend?"
"Yes...Thank you." I replied sincerely. I was nervous, but I felt safe with Ellie, the relaxation could possibly help my sleeping pattern. Ellie picked up her bag and I showed her to the door, I thanked her for her time and she handed me a compliment slip with the team phone number on. "If you can't make it, or you don't feel ready to attend, it's not a problem. If you can call the office and let us know before, it will be really helpful."
"Of course," I replied, "I wouldn't dream of wasting your time, after you've gone to so much trouble in coming to get me. I know from my own experience in teaching that when you book a time to meet with parents and they don't come, or call to cancel, it's a real waste of valuable time. I certainly wouldn't inconvenience you. Do you get a lot of people cancelling at the last minute?" I felt stupid for asking such a question, but the words fell out of my mouth.
"Well at first it can be hit and miss, which isn't a problem. If you don't feel ready, there is no pressure."
"I'll be there," I answered with certainty. I wanted her help and I wasn't about to waste her time or mine. I was grateful she had taken the time to listen to me, and she didn't pry when the mention of Harrison came up.
"Ok. I'll see you next week," she replied, a wide smile spread over her face and I smiled back sincerely. It felt like my first smile in months.