The Dark Knight Of The Soul

Chapter Twenty

I felt a surge of energy pulsate through my whole body. I could see the light from beneath the edges of the blinds, filtering through into the bedroom. The en suite bathroom door was open slightly and further light streamed against the floor. Harrison came back into the room; my bag was slung across his arm as he placed a glass of cloudy water at the bedside table. He reached into my bag to retrieve my note book and sat himself on the edge of the bed.

I felt so violated and humiliated as he started reading through my dream diary. His head leaning to the side as he read my notes, grinning as he flicked the pages over. He glanced intermittently at me, his eyes slanted and hinting with malice and contempt. I tried to distract him by asking him about my car theft.

"How did you get the insurance to pay out for the car?"

"I didn't." He said flatly.

"Did you cancel my insurance?" I asked hesitantly. Trying to keep calm.

"Now you're using it!" He said sarcastically, pointing to his head and tapping his temple.

"Why!" It was all I could say, shock reverberated around my head. I couldn't comprehend why someone who claimed to love me would cause me such angst and worry.

Can you really sleep with someone you hate so much! Is that possible?

"Because I can!" He answered flippantly. A smirk crawled over his mouth igniting his face as he flicked over the pages.

It was in that moment that everything suddenly made sense! He has been consumed by his shadow! My racing heart slowed as a voice within me spoke up, quietly. With deep compassion I stared beneath the harsh brittle, blue eyes, masking a wounded, damaged, little boy. So frightened and lost yet overpowered by this shadow that Harrison chose to identify himself with. I felt sad for him in that instant.

He didn't know what a loser he was?

"You poor thing?" I said sincerely. Harrison quickly changed his conduct and sat upright and erect. His face went from egotistically smug to overwhelming shame. He stared at me then broke his gaze to suddenly becoming more aggressive and hostile. I realised that I had just opened a deep wound in him and his anxiety shot up immediately. "Don't patronize me you bitch!"

There it was. Projection.

"I wasn't patronizing you, I saw your insecurity. Your terrified of being vulnerable. You want to be revered, admired and looked up to as an influential person, not a nobody that you actually are." Harrison's mouthed started to drop slightly but he remained quiet, while my voice just continued to speak. "You updated the life insurance just before I left last time. I remember now?" Harrison grinned at me eagerly. "It's all about money?" I said, my voice barely a whisper.

His eyebrows rose to acknowledge my answer, "how sad for you that you now have to buy love and attention these days! You've nothing authentic to offer a woman so you have to buy it instead... Have you ever felt it... Love....Do you know what love actually is?"

"Money talks loudest." He said in an assuring tone. "Love, pfft. It's just a word. Overused, overrated. You women obsess over it and believe it, when it's just four single letters." He answered coldly. A tone I had gotten used to.

"You're just a little boy, suffocating in your body, locked beneath the memories of being angry that you can't identify anything else anymore. Your anger has consumed you and now you can't feel anything real anymore. You chase destruction, pain and anger to ensure yourself that your here, to convince yourself you exist. Your desperate to stay in control yet you haven't learnt how to control yourself?"