The Dark Knight Of The Soul

Chapter six

The week went by in a blur, I carried on with my days in the house as normal. I never went anywhere as I was too anxious going out. I hated driving Harrison's car too. I wanted my own, it was the only piece of independence I had. Every time I drove Harrison's car, it was like he knew where I had been and what I was doing. Maybe it had a tracker on it? I know some cars have those these days. I checked my bank account, it was empty as usual. I had paid all the bills yesterday by direct debit and now I was broke. Harrison paid the mortgage each month, although he had a lot more disposable income than I did, he always claimed poverty to me. I scrolled down on the Internet again and typed in abuse. The list filled the screen and I began searching for some clarity. On one of the posts I opened, it gave full accounts of what abuse is, I ticked every box in there, but it still didn't give me any answers. My situation wasn't as bad as all of the posts though. 

I wasn't black and blue every day, I wasn't locked up in the house, I still had my passport and driving licence. I had quite a lot of freedom compared to what was expressed by some of the women's stories. Maybe I am being melodramatic, over exaggerating because I'm so anxious. Maybe it's really not that bad, it's just a phase that all relationships go through. Maybe because of my anxiety and PTSD, I'm not looking at things clearly.

I sat and rationalised my whole relationship, every criticism, I responded with another perspective, or an excuse, to explain Harrison's behaviours. 

I sat and thought about a history project for my year 11's, as I scrolled through history on the Internet, I caught sight of 'narcissism'. I remember this from Greek mythology, mm, this could be an interesting topic to explore. I clicked on a post that read narcissism and began reading.

Narcissism; in Greek mythology, narcissus was a man who fell in love with himself.

Traits of narcissism include, excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance. Extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, a characterising personality type. I read on. 

Psychoanalysis; Self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder. I mused on this, I regarded narcissism as the celebrity culture, where they needed constant praise and adulation from the media and their fans, they seemed obsessed with their looks and bodies. I then started to compare the quote to Harrison, he did have an over inflated view of himself, he certainly believed he was superior. I mused on the definition of self centeredness and dismissed it straight away, Harrison didn't view me as an extension of himself, or did he? He was extremely sensitive to criticism, and often reacted in a blaze of fury if things didn't turn out as he expected. 

Was my husband a narcissist?