The Dark Knight Of The Soul

Chapter Twenty-One

I sat next to the younger me on the bench in the small room. It had a small window letting in a stream of light that illuminated the floor. The walls were decorated in balloons and candy hearts, it represented a young girls bedroom. I watched young Jenny, she was about seven years old and she was colouring in a picture with a red crayon, as a loud voice shouted in the distance. I turned my attention to the door as I listened to what was being said. I saw from my peripheral visual field that young Jenny started pressing harder onto her crayon, the motion of her hand increased in speed as the crayon stroked across the page quickly.

"I promise Jeff I never said anything," my mother replied meekly. I could tell from the fear in her voice that my father was in one of those moods again.

"Don't defy me!" He bellowed loudly as a loud thump crashed against a wooden object, a door or table I guessed. I saw the younger Jenny flinch as the noise grew louder, her colouring increased in speed. Hastily she quickly changed colours and started colouring the sky blue, on her picture.

"Daddy scares me," she whispered. Her voice so innocent. I looked in her eyes and saw raw fear. My heart melted, I wanted to hug her fears away.

"The world must have been pretty scary back then," I said softly, gently stroking her head.

"I'm making him a picture, so he will smile again and be happy!"

In that instant I felt a wave of emotion rise up from my feet and grow over my body, tingling with compassion and love for the younger me. So sweet and innocent.

My father stomped upstairs and entered his bedroom. The door slammed as he clambered in the room next to mine. I heard drawers open and slam shut, aftershave then permeated the air. I followed younger me as she opened the bedroom door, without fault and stepped into the battle zone.

My father's face contorted into a twisted rage as he glared menacingly at the little girl in front of him. "What the fuck." He spat venomously as young me quickly thrust a picture into his hand. "I made you a picture to make you happy again." She said naively, he soft curls framing her face. My heart melted as I watched her. She was trying to bring some happiness into a hostile home, only to be met with a father, breathless from pure rage, snatch the picture from her chubby, little hand. "Yeah great. It doesn't pay the mortgage." He hissed and then guided her back out of the room. "Go and play," he replied impatiently.

I followed a sad little girl back into the bedroom, she sat down on her bed and tears welled up in her eyes.

I knew instinctively what she was feeling, I remembered the event with acute clarity. The following day I would find the same picture torn in two in the kitchen bin.

I lifted her into my lap and cuddled her, stroking her soft curls and kissing her head. In that moment I knew what the younger me was thinking and feeling. I realised that I spent all my childhood trying to make other people happy, so they wouldn't fight. I knew that after today, I tried harder and harder to get my father's attention, but the battle became a life long struggle that would play out with all of my relationships. Right there, in the memory, I realised how my beliefs were conditioned from my environment. A child with no knowledge or experience of having a stable, loving father, created my destiny. I desired men who were cruel and sadistic because that's exactly what my father taught me.

I measured every male person against my father, the more hostile and vindictive they were, the more I craved their love, because I never really had any from the first man in my life, my father. I believed love hurts, whereas I should have been nurtured by my father to support the choices I made in life. Instead, I learnt that men were inconsistent, selfish and unavailable. As my father proved himself to be.

I cradled the little girl on my lap, kissing the top of her head gently. "It's not your fault sweetie. He's got problems that you or I can't fix."

The young me quickly changed her position and she embraced me tightly.

"I wish I could have taught you that back then!"