To the person I wish I could tell everything to but I'm to afraid,
Where do I begin? I'm not even going to try to make this sound nice or tell you gently because i just can't deal with that. I need to just say it and then go do something else to take my mind of things.
I've been bullied. Badly. To the point where I hate myself. I know every girl has parts of themselves that they don't like but I 100% hate every millimetre of myself. There isn't one thing that I like about me. I guess I just believed what the bullies kept on telling me; fat, ugly, germy, disgusting, time waster, enormous. Because of this, I've been driven into depression. It started getting worse about 2 years ago but then last year was just the icing on the cake. That was when i began comparing myself to everyone. People i knew and people i didn't know. I wanted to be as perfect as they were. I still do.
Things kept on getting worse and worse until about 7 months ago when I started self-harming. Within 2 days I was addicted, I still am. I can't go through the day without thinking about death or harming myself. As much as I hate to admit it, every single day I do something to myself to hurt me either emotionally or physically.
As you know we've all been stressed out this year and when everything got too much I tried to overdose. I didn't get very far, a friend phoned me up and kept on talking until you got home, but in a way I wish that he never did. I just wanted it to be over and I still do. Now more than ever. I'm sorry that I want to end my life so desperatly, but I just don't see the point in living any more.
I'm ashamed of myself. I look in the mirror with disgust and cry. I don't understand why I can't be pretty or popular. I just don't understand any more. I don't understand why I'm alive. I don't understand why I was ever born. I don't understand how you can put up with me all the time. I just don't know. I don't know what I'm living for any more.
When I stopped eating certain foods and then lost weight, it bacame like a game. I know it sounds weird but I started looking at numbers on food labels more than i used to. I count the calories I consume everyday. I need to lose weight. My disire and want to lose weight scares me. In my mind, I've pictured the perfect weight and size. For me to achive that, I need to lose a little under half my body weight. I;m scared because I want that so much. It's not like something I'll be okay without because it won't be. I have to be at that weight. I hate numbers because of that. Everything is becoming a number to me.
I've been dreading having to write this letter. Not because I don't want you to know, although thinking about it I really don't, but because I can't believe that it's me. I don't recognise myself any more. I'm a different person. I'm not the same little girl whose grown up. I'm a monster.
I wish I could change everything about me. Inside and out. My looks and personality. I don't want to be fat, ugly, disgusting, scared to live. I don't want this mental health problem. I want to be normal.
What ever happens to me, don't forget that I'll always love you mum.
Love Em xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
