To the one I miss the most,
I never thought that I would miss you as much as I do. I mean, we weren’t as close as most people are with their grandparents, but then again I saw you much more than most people saw their grandparents. When you died I had no idea what to feel. I was just numb I guess. I didn’t know that you had died until the morning but at the time that mum told me you passed, you spoke to me. I could see you when ever I closed my eyes or opened my eyes. You were there in front of me telling me that everything was going to be okay and then you said goodbye. Without even knowing that you had died, I cried. I cried myself to sleep, even though I thought that you were still alive.
I don’t think it was until the week before your funeral that I realised just how much I was going to miss you. Mum and dad took me and Henry to see your body and that’s when it really hit me that you had gone. You’d gone and you were never coming back. It was really strange going to view your body. It just looked nothing like you. I can still visualise everything so clearly, and I don’t think that will ever go away. The silky white lining of your coffin. Your stone cold body in a silky white gown. Everything was white, almost like angels or something. I’d never really see you lying down so I guess that didn’t really help but I just couldn’t see the resemblance between the grandad I loved and have photographs of and the grandad that was lying in front of me. I wouldn’t have said it was you if someone asked me to. It just looked nothing like you. Nothing like I knew you to look like.
After that day, I would see your body lying there in my sleep. I was dreaming about it, but it was horrible. It was like we were on the phone and then suddenly the phone cut out and all I could see was you lying in your coffin. I couldn’t understand why I was seeing this, and in all honesty I still don’t.
You funeral was the most emotional I’ve ever been in public for sure. I cried walking behind your coffin down the road and then again outside the church but managed to hold myself together for the service, although tears were in my eyes. Then at your graveside I broke down. I was shaking when I had to drop the soil on top. It was like I was truly saying goodbye and I didn’t want to. I still hate to admit that you’re gone.
I think about you every single day. All the time I find myself thinking of things that remind me of you. I lit a candle for you in the cathedral today. I had to hold back the tears when I lit it and said RIP.
I miss you so much more than I thought it was possible to miss anyone in the whole wide world. If I could swap with you, and it be me dead and you still alive, I would without even thinking about it. I wouldn’t need to. I don’t even know how to begin to describe how much miss you. It just seems impossible to put that into words.
I hope you’re sleeping tight.
Lots of love Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
