Big F**king Mood: A New Narrative

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I am not this girl that you want me to be. I'm just not.

  I can....be vindictive and spiteful and mean and just evil. And then I will cry for hours because of how guilty I feel. I will fight tooth and nail for some girl in the Iraqi desert that just wants a chance to go to high school, but I couldn't give less of a sh*t if you told me some relative of mine that I barely knew died.

  I can be so happy for you. Really truly happy- and at the same time, angry and resentful and jealous and hating myself for all of it. I am conflicted. I am unbalanced. I am broken in so many ways. I am the embodiment of contradiction, and I am relentlessly tortured by my own self-awareness.

  I cannot be who you want me to be. I cannot bend to your   desires, to your will, to your plans regarding my life. Because it is my life. And too much of it has been spent making decisions based on what other wanted, what others thought was best. Too much of my life has been spent feeling like a person trapped in a puppet. Like a person with no personality, no voice. No future of my own. All of my life has been spent as a currency that other people control.

  I am not a person. I am tool. I am a vessel carrying out the deeds and wishes of someone else.

I don't even know what I really want.

  Maybe in another universe, I have big plans for my life. Wishes that I am not ashamed or afraid of. But in this life....in this life my dream is small and quiet. Solitary.

  I want to meet someone I could love. I want to meet someone who could love me. I want a nice quiet life that is spent somewhere far from all the memories that continue to drown me no matter how much closer to shore I think I've gotten.

  Myself. My husband. A quiet and solitary existence in some small town across the ocean.

  I don't want to be found by anyone but myself.

  I am not this girl that you want me to be. I'm just not.

  I'm sorry.

-   to be me