Big F**king Mood: A New Narrative

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Will you leave me the f**k alone? Will you stop keeping me awake at night, watching spoken word and Def Poetry videos on YouTube at 3am? Will you stop putting a black spot on every memory, every thought that I have? Will you stop dropping tears into my eyes when I'm with my friends, trying to have fun on an otherwise perfect summer night? Stop making me question every moment and every word of every interaction I have with another being? Stop trying to drown me?

I don't know what it is I did to make you hate me so much. I don't deserve it.

No, you do deserve it

I ask why and the only response I ever get is.....You.

You. You. You.

Over and over and over again, that's all you ever say.

You. This is all your fault.

You. Do you really think they want you here?

You. You're the broken one.

You beat it into my head and I scream "No, you're wrong!" until my voice gives out and my will c r a c k s and the only thing I can say now is "Yes."

"Yes, it is all my fault."

You take my voice my face my body and you distort it into something I should be ashamed of. You convince me that the only truths in the world are the ones that point out my flaws. You follow me as I walk down the street. You guard me as I stand in the shower. You stand behind me as I look in the mirror practicing smiles to hide the pain in my eyes, the pain that you put there. You stand there whispering You in my ear and all that it implies.

I'd really love to have a conversation. I'd really love to not be afraid of every single person I walk past. I'd love to finally breathe for once in my life. I don't think I'm asking for too much. Am I asking for too much?

Yes.

- a companion