Big F**king Mood: A New Narrative

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Empathy. A very interesting concept. Webster's Dictionary defines it as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of others." I don't really do that. I sometimes share the feelings of others in the sense of agreeing with their opinions, but not much else. I certainly don't understand them in others. I often find myself insulting someone, worrying someone, hurting someone. I really don't do it on purpose. I just say things and they seem fine but then people react badly to them.

  Often bad things happen, and my family tells me about how sad it is and how upset they are that these things happen. When that happens, I just stay quiet. Logically, I see it, hear it, and recognize it as a negative event, but I don't feel anything. I feel nothing for people who have been killed or hurt and nothing for the families of the victims.

  I wonder if there's something wrong with me. If my....inability to feel for people is an indication of something really bad in my head. Oddly, this does not extend to the fictional world. Unhealthy attachments to characters from various books, movies, and TV shows- depending on my current  obsession. I think I know the reason why though.

  I can only connect it to my early experiences with people. During the years where we are supposed to learn social skills, team work, and just how to generally function in society, I was in a corner reading; trying to be invisible so maybe they wouldn't be mean to me that day. I never really learned and so while everyone else was having successful relationships with other humans, I was falling in love with vampires and werewolves. I was fighting epic battles and toppling corrupt governments.

  I think and reason like a book character while battling feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. It's a very interesting mix. I've really no time for other people's emotions, as awful as that sounds. Still, it's how I am.

  Sometimes it really bothers me but most of the time, I can't be bothered to care. It's difficult to hide it. Especially when a family member dies, or someone I know loses someone. I'm not really that close to most of my family, so those who have died received the minimum amount of grief required for a familial death. When someone loses someone, I've no idea what to do beyond the obligatory "I'm sorry."

  I do recognize the area I need to work on. I'm not completely lost then, right?

-   to feel