Being broken is a very interesting think. It involves a lot of contradictions that make for insane feelings. Makes your head fuzzy, thoughts all jumbled. Chaotic, really. It means you feel differently too. It means you're never really sad. Instead of sad you're depressed or you're empty, or you're incredibly tired. It means you cry so much more than you probably should, over things that probably don't merit a full-scale emotional breakdown. Unfortunately, that's what it is. It means crying over a meaningless comment that wasn't intended to hurt anyone. It means having a panic attack over a book. It means crying yourself to sleep over a movie. In my case, it means relating to and feeling more for a fictional character than a real person.
It also means that being really, truly relaxed and happy is rare, but worth it. It means laughing really hard until your stomach hurts and tears are in your eyes. It means forgetting for a second that you are, in fact, broken and that there is something seriously, fundamentally wrong with you. It means thinking that maybe you're just a little weird and it's okay, and you're loved and accepted for who you are. That maybe they want you around because they like you and not just because you amuse them. It means not being depressed and anxious for just a little while.
It means, most importantly, that you love deeper. You are sad, and you are lonely, and you are broken. Because of that, your capacity for love goes deeper than anything. I think it's because we don't really feel it from others. We know it's there, we just don't always feel it. I really don't think it's anyone's fault but our own. We just don't see ourselves that way. So, when we love, we love with everything we've never felt. Broken people find comfort in fantasy, in fiction. So, we're used reading about the impossible, crazy, passionate, borderline unhealthy kind of love. It's what we're taught. In the absence of love, it's all we've known. Because of that, we're capable of it.
Being broken means a lot of things. Cracked, incomplete, off-kilter.
It means being me.
- to the broken
YOU ARE READING
Big F**king Mood: A New Narrative
Non-FictionA series of thoughts, questions, lists, rants, daydreams, and confessions. TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions of depression, anxiety, bullying, and sexual harassment.
