Big F**king Mood: A New Narrative

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I feel like my life is just one obsession after the other. A book. A movie. A TV show. A song. An actor. I have to have something that I love. That I think about more than anything else. It's like...it's like my mind can't be left alone. Of course, it can naturally come up with ways to occupy its time, but letting my brain entertain itself is usually how I start crying or panicking. Or getting angry. I swear, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I had a conversation with my mom recently and she told me about something bad that happened when I was younger. I don't remember it happening, but she told me that the therapists said I would probably never remember if she never talked about it. They were right. I still don't remember, I only know what she told me. But it explains something about myself that I always...I always wondered. I've always been this way. Quiet and compliant. At least, I am so in the face of danger. Accepting of my fate instead of fighting it. My brain blocked it out entirely. Like...like it knew what was happening to me was something too grown up. Something I shouldn't know.

I don't know when I stopped being able to trust my mind. Stopped trusting it to keep itself busy with something that wouldn't break me down even further. Again, like it was subconsciously protecting me. Giving me this need to read watch hear. To think about anything else. To only love and trust and value the connections made with things that I could never touch. That could never happen. Things that weren't Real.

I guess because it was already exposed to too much Real. It doesn't want anymore. I can't take anymore.

So, I fall in love with characters. I daydream about movies- imagining myself in their shoes. Feeling their emotions instead of my own. Absorbing their personality instead of cultivating my own. It's so effective. It works, it really does. When I think about myself, about who I am, I don't feel real. I feel as though I am comprised of a million different people and personalities. That I am......a collage of everything I've used to escape my world when my world got to be too much.

I could spend a thousand lives inside my daydreams. I could close my eyes, lock myself into this world I've created of nothing but only what I deemed worthy. I could stay here forever. I could never wake up.

Would I even know the difference?

- do i want to?