Strange Stories (MultiFandom Oneshots)

Sad Hours

FANDOM: As much as I keep telling myself to do actual fandom stories, I kind of wanted to do this story for a way of my own venting.

AU: Ash's life

NOTES?: None really, it should be me venting my past, the song kinda reminds me of my pain so I put it here.

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 Hung pictures of patron saints up on my wall
 To remind me that I am a fool
Tell me where I came from, what I will always be:
Just a spoiled little kid who went to Catholic school

When I am dead, I won't join their ranks
Because they are both holy and free
And I'm in Ohio, satanic and chained up
And until the end, that's how it'll be

 I said make me love myself, so that I might love you
Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to God
When I said it, I thought it was true
 
Saint Calvin told me not to worry about you
But he's got his own things to deal with
There's really just one thing that we have in common:
Neither of us will be missed 

 Saint Bernard sits at the top of the driveway
You always said how you loved dogs
I don't know if I count, but I'm trying my best
When I'm howling and barking these songs    

  I've always had problems in my life, but I never knew what were problems and what was just my mind.

   ha ha ha

  I've always been surrounded by people in my life, a regular human thing. But I was always so emotional, making stupid things and tearing apart friendships with my own emotional distress over my vision. Then I get too anxious to even say hi or sorry, making anything awkward if a situation ever dawns of just us.

  You can say I'm just a special little snowflake. Someone whole claims to be so many things, but barely thinks to be really in their faith, more or less anything at all if you look at it.

  Never went to Catholic school. Never read the bible fully through. My mother never brought me to church often enough. I used to have a bad swearing habit. I never was a good person.

  I was always a fool. Just a plain, stupid, fool. I was so, so, stupid. Such a stupid, stupid, person. I always wondered how I had friends, but really, I guess I just snake my way in, hanging out with them if I ever knew anyone and the supposive friendship has gained from there. I don't remember my past, but I felt like back then although I always remember myself to be crying when lonely, I made friends.  I never remember how we met sadly, more or less how we even became friends. I just remember I was a friend with them. A naieve, emotional, but happy to play with people friend most of the time. Although I don't remember much during or before our friendship. I always remember how they left me.

  One of my first two friends was in a grade lower than me although we were in a mixed class of 2nd and 1st (or was it 3rd and 2nd?), and the next grade when we had to split it was as if I was completely forgotten. We found another friend, one I began to collide my trail with now in the present. I had a friend of two again, one an original, the other new. They both went off to new friends sooner or later, so I was lonely for any other part of my grades until the rememberance of fourth. I remembered a friend, three really I guess. I don't remember how we met of course, but I always had the best of memories with them. One named Crystal was possibly my best friend. I always done frequent roleplays with her whenever we had freetime or recess, it was like we were telepathic sisters. She moved before 5th grade, and I never got to see her again. Another I wasn't very fond with, was the next argument maker compared to me in the group. She was very immature, and very oblivious to things when she needed to be serious, but she knows how to do her work when serious and not goofing around friends. After elementary when I went to 6th grade I never saw her either. My last one was one who I remember always being violent towards, either words without swears, or light punches or scratches, I'd sometimes pop up behind her constantly saying 'hey' and her name to scare her because of how slow her reactions were. In the weekends I'd always hang out at her place, as well as with her sister and mother. After elementary we went to different schools, barely talked then, and we grew a large distance as I changed quickly. She was more oblivious than I remember now, to a point I would have to hold back so much to not scream and argue in her face just to try and keep one friendship I could try and hope wont shatter like the rests. She's picked up traits from the immature friend at elementary. Dirty minded, always talking too much information for my mind than needed, and oblivious, but possibly worse. We rejoice in Highschool, she still considers me a friend, but there are times it's hard to want to hear her speak, her optimism and false facts about depression and being depressed and suicidal because shes denying actual facts and 'defining by her heart', it has began to drag me down, to a low, and her continueing to with her oblivitory brain, I don't know if I could keep what I hoped to be a friendship. I'm starting to loose faith in really truly making a friend that I don't have to worry about. To worry about them killing themselves because I wasn't a good enough friend, one to leave me either because they have grown tired of me, or because of lack of communication, or because I lashed out wierdly in a messed up emotional outrage.

  I know I'm just being selfish right now. But honestly, I don't know how to feel anymore. Be okay if I'm alone, even if the lack of socially stricken things or activities pang at my heart as I try to figure out what to do alone besides try not to cry like a wimp? Try to make friends even if my own anxiety is panging at my chest to just stop as I sob silently not knowing how to communicate more or less be friendly when all you've done in your life was be an emotional reck that only has made people hate them the more closer they saw themselves getting?

  It's sad I can't cry properly anymore. It always hurts whenever I'm sad and wanting to cry. Sure I might cry reading a really emotionally sad book, or whenever I'm confronting an adult for too long, or when I'm left in a big social area with no clue what to do but try and calm down my own breath to only fail and sob quielty without any beleivable reason why. If I put myself in pain long enough, sure, I may be able to slip a few tears or so, but I never managed to really sob. I could be imagining the pain for all I know, really.

  When I was a child, I always cried, a lot rather, most times I was lonely, somewhere on the playstructure, curled up into a ball, crying in an emotional fit even now I still can't explain to myself. I suppose it's still with me, but with the different enviroment, it doesn't show often anymore in public, but just in the pain inside my chest, the only fail to be taken out when ever I really am alone.

  I've always hated myself.  I might as well be in a spot where I can't even handle myself anymore. I don't even think I can tell who I am anymore. Some say I'm caring or humble, but I don't see that, all I know is that it could be some sort of cover. I get so confused about myself all I know is that I'm just some nobody who reads fanfictions and basically makes people want to leave just with my presence entering near the area. My parents don't care about me. It seemed only one of my friends I have made has actually noticed me and tried to help my shattered mind. And everyone else either never noticed, never cared, or thought of it as something else, possibly all three.

  I've thought about cutting before. One time a friend of mine contacted me as they did, and being someone who knew it was useless with my voice, tried to join to show that they weren't alone.

  I tried cutting.

  note

  tried

  I couldn't cut myself for my life. I don't know if it was because of how scared I was, or how weak I was, but I was unable to be able to cut through my skin. I liked to drag a blade across my skin, if I ever had my knife, I'd just do that, knowing it was either too dull or I was too weak for it to even make a simple cut. I'd always be proud if I did, but for such a small cut I never knew how I did so, saddening me. I've thought of injury on myself many times. When going home from middle school I've thought a lot about getting into a car crash. But I never went to anything where I actually died, but just was the only injured one. My mind still kept optimistic, what would happen to me after? I never thought about it in reality, but left it in my safe mindscape to calm me down. No parents to stress me, no thoughts to haunt  me, and I world where I can just smile thinking about nice occurences I could wish with a loved one.

  I've also thought about the classic suicide. The noose. It started with the dream or thought of someone I most dearly loved in the noose. Then it led to things I wished I could do depressed, soon to my own suicide. I probably wrote a story around that on here. Heh....

  With my mind in a darker place, now I'm starting to see more gruesome things. A place where I actually have died. How many would truly care? Who would be the fastest,close to me either bond or faimily, to get over me.

  My moods always change so sudden on a daily basis and I hate it...

heh,,

once a freak I guess you're always a freak, ey?