roommates; solangelo

045

~Author's Note: A few things. Chapter 45! Woo! I have a few more chapters planned, probably going to take this book to 60 - something. Secondly, 10.8k reads! I don't deserve this, thank you guys so much, it literally makes my day! I truly love you and I can't describe it. Last, but not least, I hope you enjoy the hell out of this chapter, ALSO, 3K + words, ha go me.~

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I wake up in a cold sweat. I've been having nightmares again ever sense Will left. They were small ones at first, but after barely having them for seven months, and then never even having them at all for five months of those, how long Will and I were dating, they were just a lot at once, especially sense Will was now one of the people in my dreams.

It was me hurting him though, hitting him, killing him, punching him, just hurting him, and that was so horrible. I was literally hurting him every night.

I cried and cried the first night it happened.

I still cry, but just a little less.

Hazel came over and it made my month so much better. We talked and talked and just got over a bunch of shit that had been going on. She told me she didn't want to talk about Frank, but I insisted I wanted to. They were my hope that love did exist. Which, thinking that thought did make me sad, because Will wasn't here with me, which really sucked, but I managed to get over it.

We watched a Netflix show, it was called 'To All The Boys I've Loved' it was nice, I was happy to see a POC LGBTQIAP+ person, but they did portray him as the stereotypical Gay Best Friend, and that was a bit upsetting, but I take what I can get.

Hazel also enjoyed having a POC, LGBTQIAP+ or not, I guess in a way we were both fighting for some representation, just in different ways.

We then talked about random shit, and she helped me sort out all my feelings. I told her how I was so dumb for letting him go. She comforted me the best she could, but we both knew I would not be changing my mind on the subject.

Once she left, which was at the end of the day, I began to want anything to keep my mind off of cutting. I tried, I tried just a small cut, just to make the pain go away, but I couldn't, because Will's face kept appearing in my mind.

So, I went into a trance. I wrote and I wrote and I did nothing else, sometimes I would find I had spent all day writing and hadn't even ate anything, the longest I had gone was 2 days before I realized how hungry I was.

I knew I had to eat, and so I made sure to start timers on my phone again, because I had anorexia and Rachel has helped me through it, and I didn't want to have to do that again.

Eventually, I noticed how my book was even nearing an end. I was almost done with it and it physically hurt almost. I had been working on this for forever, and now, it was basically at the end, and all I had to do was find a way to self-publish or have someone publish it for me.

It was kind of amazing, but I couldn't help but want Will to be here with me throughout this journey.

After writing, which had only taken two weeks, I got back into baking, I baked so much I didn't even know what to do. I gave some to Hazel and Frank, Jason, I even brought some to the Honey Bee, I gave a few to Annabeth, gave a lot of the goods to a homeless shelter.

If I found a kid on the street who seemed homeless, I would try and remember them and give them something later. I truly had so much fucking food, I didn't know what to do with it.

Also, in the course of the last month, I was officially kicked out of college, they said I would still have to pay for the rest of the term, and I could show up for the rest of the term, but they were no longer going to accept me for another term, which made me feel like a complete failure.