Stay With Me (A Janoskian Fanfiction)

Chapter Nine

Dear Diary,

I cannot believe what had happened. I was out with Austin. He is a really nice guy but I cannot just fall for him. I like him but I don’t think I would ever like him that way. But I guess we could become best friends!

I still haven’t apologized to Jess for what I’ve said to her. I know I should but… I guess I’m a coward. I’ve always been. If I had stayed when Beau wanted to tell me what he thinks about me… I guess everything would be easier right now. I guess we still could be friends.

But why did he punch Austin?

He refuses to tell me why he punched him. He just said he’d deserve it. I offered him to sleep at mine tonight but he didn’t want to. It’s half past five in the morning and I’m writing a diary… What the fuck is up with me?!

Maybe I should go to bed… But I need to let it all out. I guess I would’ve nightmares if I wouldn’t tell anyone now. And I need to. You’re the only one who can’t say anything. I know I’ve been stupid…

What happened in the past few days?

Somehow I wish I was still in Austria. My austrian friends would hang out with me, we’d go swimming and whatever… But I know this is life. And it sucks. And it’s all my faut! If I hadn’t asked Beau about his feelings towards me everything would be fine. We would still be friends. And then I would’ve had no reason to yell at Jess. I’m still so sorry but I just don’t find the moment to apologize.

Furthermore I’ve been out all day today. Straight after Tatjana had told me the boys would come around I left and it was not even midday at that time. I haven’t seen any of girls today, except for Tatjana.

It feels like everyone hates me.

And it feels like I’d deserve it! Austin is the only one left and I start liking him a lot – in a friendly way. I think he is the only one who wouldn’t disappoint me. Who wouldn’t play with me, who wouldn’t use me.

If it was that easy I would just fall for Austin. But no, my mind is on Beau all the time. Why did I have to meet him?

Although this shit happened I still don’t regret it. I loved the time I spent with him and there still is this little hope inside of me that hopes he enjoyed it, too. I know I’m being naive and stupid and childish but I feel like I need to be a bit childish.

Ugh, I’m thinking about it again.

Okay, maybe I should tell anyone? I’ve never told anyone, not even one of the girls. Maybe I should tell Austin? But I know him for two days. I like him but I don’t trust him that much already. I wish I could tell anyone.

I don’t wanna think about it. It is my past. That’s why it’s called past! I need to stop thinking about it! It will never happen again (hopefully).

Neither Beau nor Austin look like they would ever do this to a girl but I also thought Beau would be a nice guy who was good to fall in love with.

What, fall in love with?! It was just a little crush, nothing more. Maybe I would’ve fallen in love with him if I had spent more time with him but now it’s just a little crush. I will get over him. But why do I think about him all the time? Seriously, this sucks. I want to stop it. I want my brain to throw him away.

Why can’t I control this? I wish I could. Then I could forget about every bad thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I could just forget everything and start again from 0. Wouldn’t that be nice?

But my dreams never come true. I need to stop dreaming and start living in reality.

I sighed and closed my diary. I wasn’t in the mood to write more. Maybe I’ll write on tomorrow. I looked at my phone to check the time as I saw I had a text.

From: Beau x

Msg.: Hey, I’m sorry what I did to your boyfriend today… Let me explain it all? Please, I really want to clear it all up. I don’t know why you’re angry at me… Please tell me. I really miss you! And I really hope you text back.

I sighed once more. Why did he have to be so nice? How could I reject him. But wait… boyfriend? Austin wasn’t my boyfriend… Was he jealous? No, why should he? But… I sighed and my fingers rushed across the keypad to text him back.

Austin isn’t my boyfriend…?? But we can meet if you want. I wanna clear things up, too. I’m sorry for being bitchy.. Friends?

I threw my phone on my bed and went over to my cupboard. I took out my pajama and changed quickly. When I was done I let myself drop on the bed to see he had already texted back.

From: Beau x

Msg.: You weren’t bitchy! And thank you sooooo much! And sorry if I woke you up, it wasn’t my intention!

I smiled at his lovely text. Normally he’d type like u instead of you and he wouldn’t write in proper english. Maybe this really meant a lot to him…? Stop it, Marlene, he doesn’t like you that way.

You didn’t wake me up, I was still awake. But I think I will go to bed now. *yawn* Good night!

From: Beau x

Msg.: Goodnight, beautiful and have sweet dreams xx

I shook my head smiling. Maybe he wasn’t that bad… I looked through my texts and saw I had two from Austin. Oops, I hadn’t seen them! Quickly I opened them to read them.

From: Aus

Msg.: Thanks for helping me today :)

From: Aus

Msg.: Err, wanna meet up tomorrow again?

I sighed. Now I would’ve to reject Austin because I would meet Beau already… But maybe I could meet Austin, too? It wasn’t like having two boyfriends because I wasn’t in a relationship with one of them… I would only clear things up with Beau and we’d probably become friends again. And Austin and I would never go further than friendship, I knew this. I sighed and nodded to myself.

Sure :) Is late afternoon okay? Have to do a few things before x

I was surprised he was still awake because instantly he texted back:

From: Aus

Msg.: Sounds gr8! C u soon :) x

I lie my phone on the little table next to my bed and pulled the duvets closer to my chest as i suddenly felt cold (really weird for Australia to feel cold!). I had no idea what I had just done with agreeimng to meet them both.

~*~

It's not long, sorry, but I hope you enjoy it anyways :) 

Marlene xx