Diary Of The School Misfit (#wattys2019)

The Day I Decided To Move On

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Dear Diary,

Its been forever since I wrote in you. Shame. I'm just really busy now. I'd love to write about Lemuel and all. I'd love to write about the fact that all those stories and romantic books we read are right and that love does prevail; but it doesn't and I can't. I'd love to tell you how my badassing was a great idea and an even better plan but that's not the issue here. I move on to senior year soon so I have a lot of studying to do. My parents thought it'd be a good idea for me to try out the September senior year exams since I'm so smart and it's a way of gaining experience and preparing me for the main May/June senior exams so here I am. Spending the last 2 months of junior year preparing. I'll even be spending the summer preparing for this exams. At least I'm not alone in it; a bunch of my other classmates and friends are trying their hands out in the exam too.

Dad says I might not be resuming senior year in school. Due to the high tuition fee, dad thinks it's better if I just get tutored and he registers for the exam. That'll cut a whole lot off our expenses. I completely understand and accept, but there's a million reasons why it hurts. The main one which is probably also the most stupid is HIM. I'll miss him. Yes. I know. I'm crazy. We're not even together but he still owns my heart and it hurts even more that I have to leave him before I even know how he feels. Aside him, I won't really get a Valedictory service. I always imagined graduating as valedictorian, now it looks like i won't get to be graduating at all. Sigh.

I barely even see Lemuel anymore. Not because I'm so busy or because he's avoiding me; he's apparently very busy too. Also, the music room is now off limits to students alone. There has to be a teacher supervising before we're allowed in, all thanks to Lola. Who's Lola you ask? I'll tell you all about her. She's an overgrown sophomore bitch that also seems to be Lemuel's new play toy. How come Lemuel is interested in someone in the 9th grade when he's so perfect and can have anyone he wants? Simple. She's very heavy chested and won't stop making advances. She's also very pretty and I heard from Nelson that Lemuel just wants to play her; Have a taste and move on. I'm more than devastated. I didn't even know Lemuel was someone capable of something like that. It hurts. Even more than all that time I thought he didn't know I exist. They apparently kissed in the music room and didn't know one of the middle school students saw them. What a life. I confess my feelings and later on, I hear he's smooched some other girl. They were reported and now the music is room is out of bounds unless there's adult supervision. They could just make a law that middle schoolers are banned from going to the music room when high schoolers are there since they're so worried we'll corrupt them...but what do I know?

Sean and I have gotten really close over the weeks and we share 'Lemuel secrets' a lot now. As irritating as that sounds, it's really helped me It took me a while to find the courage but today during first recess I told him my plans.

"I'm giving up on him Sean." I said avoiding his eyes. "What?! Why?!" Sean asked me; shock evident on his face. I only stared into space quietly, not giving him an answer. "But you can't Ruby." Sean said quietly but loud enough for me to hear him. "Why not?" I asked him my voice breaking. I wasn't going to cry. I already promised myself that this boy can not continue to have a piece of my heart and continue to hurt me. I was leaving soon anyway so it wouldn't make sense to carry around unrequited love. Maybe if I stopped seeing him regularly, I'd move on. Sean just shook his head. "You're not going to tell me why you expect me to keep enduring the hurt?" I almost yelled. "Because he he feelings for you too." Sean barely whispered. "I wasn't supposed to tell you. At least not until he's done with Lola. Remember when you wrote that really long poem and he held your hand and read it out when he found it?" I nodded slightly. "You mean the three foolscap sheets?" I said with humour in my voice and I sniffled. I was in the verge of crying. "He was touched. Very. He cares about you Ruby. A lot. He might not show it. He's not so great at that, but he does have feelings for you too." Sean looked me in the eye as he said that and heart sank. Lemuel actually likes me. But its too late. Even if I could wait till he finishes his stupid game with Lola which i have no idea how long will last, I've got just 1month left in school. "I've given up. I just can't do this anymore. Four years wasn't enough for him to figure out his feelings?" I asked as my eyes glistened over with tears. I got up and walked away; probably because I didn't want Sean to see me cry but I just really needed to leave there. That was it. I'm done. I made my decision. I'm leaving and so, I'm letting go.

I saw Lemuel later on today but he didn't see me. Probably because I was watching him from the veranda upstairs. He seemed very angry. News was going around that he's been acting like that since Sean told him something after first recess. One of the juniors said he even almost whacked Sean in the face with his saxophone. Could it have been that Sean told him I was giving up on him? I don't know. But I didn't stick around long enough to know why. I'm really done. I'm done caring about him. I have my final exams to focus on. Enough drama. My life had never been drama. It was just ambient silence. And I was fine with it till he started talking to me. I wish he didn't. If he didn't, this moving on process would be easier. But it's something I have to do. Besides, he has Lola now. That should give him enough company. He definitely won't miss me so I don't see why I should him. I give them my blessings. He can do whatever he wants with her, and, if she's dumb enough to get played, I'm happy for me but sorry for her.

I won't be writing in here for while. Lots of preparation. Lot's of studying. Lot's of moving on.

I also got rid of Lemuel the teddy tonight. He was being way too toxic. I don't need anyone or anything to fall asleep. I need to remind myself that in a month I won't even have the real Lemuel to look at.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
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Hello my loves😊❤On the occasion that it's Christmas and my birthday(yes, 25th of December is my birthday). Here's the penultimate chapter. Once we hit 1k reads, y'all get the last chapter.

Merry Christmas my loves❤❤ and happy birthday to me😆😊