The Party Girl // Zane Hijazi

Chapter 42: Guilt

***Trigger Warning***
AN: Long time no talk! This chapter discusses miscarriage, and depression. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Bryn up top

I woke up from a nap to Zane speaking softly on the phone. I opened my eyes and saw him holding my phone. My black phone case reflected the neon lights of the heart monitor. "Yeah, we're waiting to get some tests done now. I'll let you know when she can call you... Alright. Thanks- okay- Okay bye," he hung up the phone and put it back on the table. "Who was that," I groaned, sitting up slowly. "Your manager would not stop calling ever since I went and grabbed you some clothes and your phone," He said, grabbing it and handing it to me. I threw it to the side and closed my eyes again. "My head hurts," I said, rubbing my eyes. He put his hand on my head and ran his fingers through my tangled hair.

"Are you still numb?" he asked. "Im just sore," I said, moving my hair out of my face. "Did you grab a hair tie?" I asked, in an agitated tone. "No, but I can go get you some from the store," he suggested. I shook my head. "It's okay," I said pulling my hair up and draping it on the pillow to get it off my neck. "I got your medication, if you want that. The nurse said you could take.. uh.. Ativan and Lamictal," he said, rummaging through my purse he brought from home. I looked at him bent over the chair arm. He had blood on his shirt and shorts, that i didn't notice earlier. "You didn't change?" I asked. "I didn't want to be gone for very long," he said, handing me the two pill bottles.

Now I have the mental capacity to cry.

I looked at him and extended my arm as far as I could to his. He looked at my hand then at me. He kissed the back of my hand and I closed my eyes, feeling the tears start to leak from my lids. I retracted my arm, and rolled over. I quietly sobbed facing away from Zane. "Baby-" he said

"Sorry I fuck everything up," I said in between tears. Zane was quiet. "I couldn't even carry a baby- I'm- I'm sorry," I started to sob, almost in a childlike tone. I didn't look at him, I couldn't. It would break my heart too much. The air in the room was tense, and thick. It felt as if I had said something I wasn't supposed to and now all eyes were on me. I couldn't open my eyes, it hurt too bad. The light hurt, my stomach hurt.

Living hurt.

Zane rubbed my back while my cries came out in short small coughs. All he could say was that it was going to be okay.

-A week later-
I was out of the hospital resting, mainly trying to keep busy because I didn't want to have to think. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. Zane was at my beckoning call, anytime I needed him. Which was really sweet, but being naturally independent, it got old very fast. Today I get my test results back from the doctor about my uterine abnormalities, which means I get to go out. Yay.

"You sure you don't want me to come with you?" Zane asked, walking me to my Jeep. I swung my bag over my shoulder, and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I turned around and leaned on my car, facing Zane. "I'll be okay, really," I said, rubbing up and down my left bicep with my right hand. He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned and he kissed my cheek. "I'll see you at three," I said, giving him a small weak smile. "I love you, text me when you get there," he said, waving me off. I got into my Jeep, and started it. I drove down the spiral of the mountain, and came to a red light. I sat for a while, then was on my way.

It took 40 minutes to get to the OB/GYN, then took another 15, waiting in the waiting room.

I checked in, and sat down getting comfortable, assessing the room. I laid the clipboard the receptionist gave me flat on my lap. I texted Zane "Got here safely", then put my phone down and looked up.

A pregnant woman sat across the way from me. She had long beautiful, thick brown hair, and long thick eyelashes. Her round apple cheekbones sat high on her face. She scrolled through her phone, and caught me staring. She gave me a friendly soft smile, and I reciprocated. She looked down and continued scrolling through her phone.

"Alana!" A nurse called out from the heavy looking wooden door, leading to the patient rooms. The pregnant woman, Alana, stood up, in typical pregnant woman fashion. Both hands on the arm rests, getting up, belly first. She waddled over to the nurse making small talk. "Only one more month to go!" the nurse exclaimed.

I looked down at my paper work. I blinked away the thin tears, and quickly checked and signed and confirmed I wasn't allergic to latex. Check, check, check.

I pulled my phone out and had a missed text from Jessica. I had planned to meet up with her before my leave of absence from work was up. Maybe today is good.

Jessica: How are you feeling? Any better? Did you get the results back?

I quickly went to type.

Bryn: Physically: a lot better. Mentally? not too good. I'm getting there though. It's hard, this shits traumatizing. I'm at the gyno now!

I locked my phone, and tapped my pen on the clipboard. Time ticked by. Before I knew it Alana came out of the heavy wooden doors, and went to the receptionist's desk, making small talk with her.

"Brynlee!" The nurse called out. Butterflies flew in my stomach. I was anxious, but after my miscarriage, I always was. I got up, grabbing my purse and following the smiling nurse with a short blonde bob into the back. "How are you?" she asked. "I'm doing okay," I said, bleakly. She quickly got me situated in a room, and gave me a paper dress to change into. "The doctors just going to do a quick check up, and go over those tests with you, okay?" she asked. I nodded. She gave me a face of almost-pity?

"Go ahead and change, and Dr. Ross will be in shortly,"

The doctor in the hospital recommended me going to this doctor. She specializes in uterine abnormalities. I stripped down and got into the paper dress, and sat on the examination bed. I scrolled through instagram and twitter in the mean time.

There was a soft knock on the door, then a small hispanic woman appeared. "Hi Brynlee, how are you today?" she smiled, gleaming her white teeth, and beautiful dimples. "I'm good, thank you. How are you?" I asked. She washed her hands, dried them, then grabbed some gloves. "I'm doing great," She smiled. She put her gloves on and motioned for me to put my feet in the stirrups. I leaned back and took a deep breath while she felt around.

"Everything looks good- lets go over your test results," She said, getting up, throwing her gloves away, and rewashing her hands. I took my feet out of the metal stirrups, and sat up, covering myself with the paper dress.

She grabbed her laptop, and a file. She sat down and read through the filer first, then closed it to explain it to me. "So you have a condition called Uterine Septum, which is very common. It's a congenital condition, so you've had it since birth," she explained. I looked at her. She continued. "Treatment, typically is a minor surgery, nothing too crazy. We normally perform it during a hysteroscopy, so that is definitely an option for you," she said. "This condition, like I said, is extremely common. This operation has a very high success rate," she said. I gave her a small smile. "Can- Can I think about it?" I asked. "Of course, take your time. It's extremely important to take time for yourself in this time of grieving. I want you to take these, and check em out, see if they're you're thing," she said, grabbing and handing me three pamphlets for women's support groups. I looked them over. "Kathy can get you all checked out, have a good rest of your day. If you decide to go through with the operation just give us a call, we can fit you in during the week," she said smiling. I smiled. "I appreciate it," I said. "I'll see you soon Brynlee," she said, closing and grabbing her laptop, and taking the files with her out the door.
I got dressed, paid, and left.

Then cried in the car.