nothing less ➸ demar derozan

thirty-four

Isabella

It's been three days since I was told that my mother has passed away. I didn't talk to anyone that night. Reggie and Arion slept in the living room instead of in my room. I even moved the dresser in front of my door, so that they couldn't barge in my room in the middle of the night. I didn't get any sleep either way.

I told Shaundra all about it and she decided to sleep over the other day. Her and I talked for hours that night about my mother and how it's been without her.

I should be angry at my father for not telling me but I'm not. I understood where he was coming from, Haro didn't. Haro is pissed about my father keeping my mother's death a secret. He hasn't talk to him in the past three days either.

Right now, we are at the funeral. I'm sitting alone and numbness fills my throat. Haro is far away from me – and my father. He's alone with Arion.

I look around and see everyone's faces, they're all sad and full of sympathy. I know my mother wouldn't want this. She would want everyone to be happy at her funeral, and I wish I could be but I can't. Something makes me turn around and look at the entrance, my heart races when I see who it is. It's DeMar.

He has this nice black blazer on making him look as if it was a fashion contest all of the sudden. Him and I share a brief eye contact, and then I slowly turn away not bearing to hold his stare. I turn back to face my mother's casket. It's odd to see her in a casket; I think she wanted to be cremated anyway.

I feel someone sit next to me and I don't want to look at them because I know who it is. He sighs and unbuttons one of his buttons on his blazer. I stay looking forward. I don't want to look at him because I can feel the tears ready to spill out. It's weird how I want to cry because I thought I had no more tears left in me.

"Hey," he mumbles.

I look at his exploding light brown orbs and feel my throat clench. I don't reply and he sighs. DeMar takes one of my hands and I feel his warmth and safety. I feel whole again.

My fingers clench his and he scoots closer to me. Again, I feel safer.

The funeral starts and in all honesty, I buzz out. I wasn't able to comprehend what was going on because of the own numbness I felt. DeMar knew that I wasn't paying attention because, occasionally, he'd rub his thumb over my hand to regain my attention. Every time he'd do that I'd stare at him, and he would flash me the tiniest smile back. He wouldn't look at me when he did it, so it made him look more attractive.

My father went to give his eulogy and again I zoned out. I wondered how life would be without my mother. Without the person who brought me into this world. I look down at our hands again.

Imagine if I lost DeMar. All the unspoken words that I meant to say to him would never be said. All the undone activities that I would have liked to do with him not done. Going to prom without him. Going to graduation without him. Living my life without him. We were probably not going to be together in the future, but knowing I grew up faster while he would stay eighteen breaks my heart.

And that laugh. No matter how he much he tries to keep his laugh quiet, it's still extremely loud. The vibrations you feel from touching him while he laughed could be felt from any part of his body. You can be touching his toes while he laughs and you can still feel a small ting because that's how loud his laugh is. Recording his laugh in a video made the video come out scratchy.

A tear slips out of my eye and I shake my head from that thought. I can't think about that. Not now. DeMar's hand now clenches my thigh and my fingers lie on top of his. I play with the ring he wears on his middle finger. It's a simple black circle but I circle it anyway. I wonder who gave it to him since I never noticed it before.