congratulations || jeongchan

- 2 - Missing -

It's not you, the you who talks to me anymore

"Fucking answer me, dammit Jeongin." You must think I hate you. I don't, I promise you I don't. I never could, sometimes I almost wish I did - it would have made this whole thing easier, wouldn't it?

There wouldn't have been as much pain if I had just wanted to leave, if I had just wanted to leave you behind.

Once again my eyes stray to the unanswered question mark on my hand. Was the love heart too much? Should I have written anything at all?

With a sigh I rest my head on my knees and curl into a ball on my bed. It's so hard. All of this. I should have just apologised.... for you not apologising?

Minho's words ring in my head, "If he really loved you he would have said sorry, even if it was a misunderstanding."

He's probably right. Why would you miss me anyway Jeongin? Why would you miss me at all? I bet you're glad I'm gone.

How you've done it I don't know, how have you let go? Every pen line that appears on my skin ties me back to you. And every time I reply, I wonder if you've noticed. Every single time. And yet you still don't answer.

As time goes on I hate this link more and more. Every thought, every word I want to say; it would be so easy to just write it down. It's so close. So tempting.

But I can't. I know I can't, you've got your own life now. Probably got new friends. A new boyfriend maybe.

Maybe, who am I kidding. A person like you, of course you've got a new boyfriend. How could anyone say no?

Maybe that's why I can't let go. Because you're just the kind of person people can't let go of.

Just as I'm about to fall asleep I hear a knock at the door. Probably Minho. I get up off my bed and stretch as I make my way across the floor to the door. Taking in the blank walls. My blank eyes in the mirror as I pass them.

I open the door and fall straight into one of his trademark tight and short hugs. He steps back and surveys me, clicking his tongue at my choice of clothes. Jeans and one of your hoodies, the only one I still own. Your smell faded from it a while ago, but it still reminds me of you. Of all that I've lost.
"Oh Chan."
"What? It's comfy." We both know I'm lying. His eyes catch on my hand, awkwardly trying to pull down my sleeve to cover the lines and the tiny heart dotted question mark.

"Give me your hand Chan. Please." I hold it out to him and he inspects it, he pulls a pen out of his pocket and scrawls messily, 'stop doodling on my friends hand idiot.'

"Minho you know that's not how it works. He can only see what I write."

"Then you do it."
My eyes widen in shock as I try to comprehend doing such a thing, "I- I- I... I couldn-"
"Calm down Chan, I'm sorry. I was joking, you don't have to, I know you couldn't bring yourself to do that, I just hate seeing you like this."
"What, tired?" I joke weakly.
"No Chan. Lost."

Muffled yelling comes from down the hall followed by a series of loud barking and crashing sounds.

I realise we're both stood in the way and pull Minho into my apartment just as Seungmin bursts through the door, the neighbour's dogs hot on his heels.
"They hate me Chan, why do they hate me?" He flails his arms trying to bat the two tiny collie puppies back. But they are ceaseless in their game as they weave in and out of his legs.
"Heeeelpppp!" Seungmin whines helplessly, flailing his arms some more. "They must be after the popcorn!"

Minho looks at him incredulously, "Do dogs like popcorn?"
"Well these ones certainly do!" He yells back, "Why is no one helping me?"

Eventually we get the dogs out of the flat. And we all settle down and watch a film on the sofa, but too soon they are gone and I am left alone. Alone with my thoughts and the never decreasing amount of pens in my apartment. No matter how many I throw away, they always appear again, somewhere or other.

I'm back on bed, gazing at the ceiling, out of the window, the floor; anything to avoid looking at the still unanswered question mark on my hand.

You always used to answer so quickly. Your answers full of hearts of their own. Where did it all go Jeongin? Where did you go? Why did you have to leave me here on my own?

Fuck. I miss you. So much. I'm sorry. You probably never want to hear from me again. I was the one who walked out in the end. Even if it was with tears in my eyes and an ever breaking heart.

My unhelpful fingers trace the lines you've left on my skin. It almost feels as if.... as if you aren't happy. They give off that kind of feeling, a kind of disappointed dejected vibe. As if you're hurting too.

But I think that's just hopeful thinking. Why would you be hurting? I'm gone now. Aren't we all the better for it?

But my stupid heart leaps inside it's cage. Maybe you miss me. Maybe I've made a mistake and you'll take me back.

With shaking hands I pick up a pen and lower the nib slowly down to the skin of my forearm. My mind spins with all the words I want to say. But in the end it's only 7 words. One question. One I've been asking since the day started.

Gently, carefully, I scrawl it down, trying not to let the ink get blurred with that tears that are already starting to fall, knowing that if they do land on the words you'll be able to see that too. And you don't need to know I'm crying over this.

"It's my birthday today. Did you forget?"

Did you Jeongin? Have you forgotten all about me? I can stop writing you messages if you like. I don't want to hurt you anymore.

A/N - hey... I know it's going to be kinda weird for you guys cause my writing style is kinda different to what you're used to on this account. I hope the story turns out okay quality wise. I would like to reassure you it'll definitely have a happy ending, but no one knows, literally. This is the first fan fic I've ever written / co written so we'll see if my writing holds up. Anyways nice to meet you? How do you end these? Hope you enjoy the story xx