congratulations || jeongchan

- 14 - Silence -

Must be nice to not feel anything

The room was in shadow and with each click on the volume button the music became louder and the world became quieter and quieter.

Yet it just would not become silent.

Why couldn't the world leave me alone? Why couldn't it just be quiet?

I watch as the shiny reflection from a tear slides its way down my face on onto my hoodie.

My hoodie that I clutch in my hands, that I clutch against myself.

My hoodie, not Jeongin's, mine.

The white screen of my phone is so bright I can barely see the walls of my room.

Can barely see the clock, ticking down the minutes until I have to get up. Ticking down the minutes of sleep I am losing.

Ticking, ticking, ticking. Never relenting.

Counting down the minutes of life I am wasting, shut in here. In my thoughts. Thinking of the moon, of the stars and how little they mean to me now.

How empty their light seems. How gaping the doorway seems, whenever I close it, it opens. It won't remain closed.

The light on the other side. It seeps into my darkness. It keeps me awake. It keeps me here, in the now. It makes it feel real, when all I want is for it to a dream.

But my tears are real. They fall. And they fall.

Onto my hoodie. Onto my heart. Onto my life line.

It's so warm when the world is so cold. When the things that don't usually hurt do, and when the things that always hurt are worse.

Without him I have no one. I have no one to fill the silence, the fuzzy noise that seeps through my earphones from the outside world.

The sound that won't let me sleep, won't let me let go.

Minho is sleeping. He can. I cannot wake him. I must not wake him.

I love you Minho. I love you. I just wish I could sleep too.

Jeongin couldn't sleep, he couldn't sleep either. I hope he can now.

I hope I have left him with that much. I tried to teach him how to sleep. I succeeded, yet I still have not succeeded in teaching myself.

Why do the days become so dark so quickly? From feeling everything. From feeling awake to feeling empty.

A heavy emptiness that sinks deeper and deeper into despair as time goes on. And no matter how loud I make my music, it's swirling sound cannot make me smile.

Cannot make me cry.

But I still cannot let go. I still cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep because of this empty feeling that drags behind my feet like chains, like weights, pulling me down to the bottom of the sea.

I can almost see the light of the stars shining through the surface of the water, reaching out it's feeble arms for me.

But I do not reach back.

My eyes are downcast, towards the depths, towards the darkness and how cold it feels down there.

But there's still this feeling. This tether. This rope that won't let me sleep, that makes me feel. That makes me think and makes my eyes stay wide awake.

That makes me still miss him. That makes me wish I wasn't so alone in the darkness anymore.

That makes me remember the light, the joys of the day, of all the days, but only when they are overcast in grey because I know that at this moment that happiness is unattainable.

How nice it must be to sleep. How nice it must be to not have to think. To be able to close your eyes and fall, fall deep down into the welcoming embrace of slumber.

And wake, full and refreshed.

How nice it must be to not feel emotions weighing heavy on your shoulders.

Yet each day I walk with slower paces, what once was running cannot run for much longer.

It's all falling apart. And it's all my fault.

I miss him. I miss all of them. I miss the sunlight that used to shine with such love and joy.

Yet now the sun just seems to shine with pain. With sharpness.

The sun has seen too much too. Has felt too much. Is too relied on. It cannot sleep, if must shine forever.

And it might be able to do that.

But I cannot.

And it's these dark moments. When all I wish for is calm, when all I wish for is quiet.

When I realise how much easier it would be if I didn't have to feel anything at all.

Eventually my eyes will close. I know they will. I hope they will. And I will sleep. My eyes will close.

They will close. And then they will open. And then they will close again.

That's all life is now, opening and closing of the eyes. Opening them to see something new and closing them to forget about it. Again and again. Blink after blink. Tear after tear. Open, shut, open, shut. Yet nothing is left behind.

My hoodie is soft against my arms. My duvet is a layer of protection against the world.

And the bright light of my home screen, my phone, my eyes to the world.

My light and my safety.

It is attached to a cable, and that cable is all that is between it living and it dying. Of it running out of battery. Of it running out of light. And plunging me into a world where I will have nothing between me and the silence the world forces into my ears. 

I will have no sound. I will have only the sharp light of the sun and the coldness the nighttime. Where even my blankets won't be able to provide me with warmth.

A/N - we are allowed to have times where the world isn't smiles we are allowed to cry and yet we are still allowed to look forward and hope that it will be brighter no one who truly loves you would want you to hurt no matter how many tears they've cried no matter how many tears you have cried they would want you to be able to look ahead with no guilt in your eyes

(Please tell me you got my vine reference in chapter 12, please tell me I'm not an idiot)